A Quick Story of ______ 🙏

I was reading through my journal today. Once in a while I like to look back at what I wrote because it reminds me of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, like tonight I’ll even make connections that I wasn’t aware of before.

May 8th, 2018 I wrote “I feel compelled to write a few things; past lives, bring four roses to the cemetary, and fear that I will never be good enough for my parents”.

At the time I wondered why I would bring 4 roses to the cemetary. My grandpa had passed away six weeks before, and he was buried with his son (my uncle) and another uncle of mine was also buried closeby. But unless my math is failing me, that’s only 3.

Fast forward to May 24th, 2018. Two weeks later and my aunt passes away. She will be buried with her late husband, my uncle.

Not long after that, with a heavy heart, I brought those 4 roses.

Inner knowing? Psychic awareness? Intuition? Messages from Angels? Synchronicity? Whatever it is, it’s alive and well over here. ❤🌙

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10 Ways to Know You’re Aligned With Your Purpose(s) 😉❤

For most of us talking about our life’s purpose feels so daunting. How can I, a simple small town girl have some incredible “life purpose”?! It sounds so intense, and responsible. What if I fail? I don’t want to have that kind of weight on my shoulders!

But what if we change our perspective a little… What if we (as individuals) don’t have this one distinct, life changing purpose in our lives? Instead our lives are built upon situations, choices, relationships that within each and every one of them has a life purpose. What if the world is littered with gazillions of smaller purposes? Each one of them as meaningful as the last. If you think about it every relationship we have serves a purpose, every job, maybe even every conversation. The relationships for example, even the worst ones have taught us something, and that was their purpose!

Even if we choose something that is not directly aligned with the universe, there is still a purpose there. There is a purpose in everything. So relax. There is no pressure here. You may just be re-routed a few times, and you may feel off balance when you aren’t aligned.

The only thing that we’re asked to do is recognize and challenge ourselves to understand these purposes, and take the lessons that we need from each of them, so that we don’t need to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. When we do this we start to live a life that is aligned with the universe. We start to live authentically. This is where we find success, happiness, joy and love. Ultimately, this is the highest life purpose for each of us.

So how can we know that we are following our purpose? That we are working towards aligning our lives? Simple, our intuition. Intuition ALWAYS tells us what is best, not only for us, but for humanity as a whole. Here are 10 signs that will confirm you are aligned with your intuition;

  1. You follow things that feel light and bright
  2. You get gut feelings, or feelings in your chest that are an inner knowing, and that never need an explanation
  3. Your chest and shoulders feel open and airy (rather than tight and constricted)
  4. Situations in your life continue to happen, until you finally make another choice
  5. Little signs keep showing you big things
  6. You feel inspired, excited about life
  7. The clock keeps showing you the same numbers; 11:11, 4:44, 5:55 etc…
  8. You daydream things (or have dreams at night) that are actually coming true
  9. You think about someone and then they call or text a minute later (Careful with this one, it could also be a test which inspires your lesson and your purpose)
  10. The word “intuition” brings a lightness to your soul ❤✌

WTF is a Heart Chakra?!

Fourth blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired.

The Heart Chakra (Anahata) is located in the centre of your chest (shouldn’t be hard to figure out why 🤔). The Heart Chakra encompasses our capacity to accept and feel unconditional love, compassion and joy. The colour associated is Green. This chakra falls right in the middle of our 7 main chakras and represents the space where the physical and spiritual worlds meet. It reminds us that beneath all of our basic, human problems there is a purity within us. Spiritual love so deep that it takes on the colour of nature to show us how connected we are.
Heart = love = green like nature (deep spiritual love).

When our Heart Chakra is off balance we will feel unworthy of love. We won’t be able to accept love fully, and we will lack the ability to trust others, and ourselves. You know those walls that we build once we get hurt? We think we’re protecting ourselves by adopting these defense mechanisms that push people away and keep our hearts safe – those walls are deeply connected to this chakra. When they’re up, you are literally closing this chakra and the wheel isn’t moving any energy. This makes us closed off, defensive, antisocial, heartless little meanies. We hold grudges easily, are unkind, irritable, bossy and overly critical with others.

When in balance this chakra is respectful and encouraging. It allows people (including ourselves) to be who they really are, and loves them for it. We are quick to forgive because we empathize and are ruled by understanding and compassion.

Physically our heart (duh), our chest, arms, hands and ribs can be impacted by an imbalance in the Heart Chakra. This can show in heart problems, difficulty breathing, hypertension, poor circulation etc…

You know when you are sitting across from someone and they smile at you, and you feel this warmth in your chest and little chills down your arms? That’s your Heart Chakra saying there’s a pretty solid chance you love them.
As the middle chakra, and the centre of love, awareness, compassion and empathy, spirituality runs strongly throughout this one. When our Heart Chakra is open we have faith that we are all connected. We know that we are born from and to be divine love. We have the ability to grieve and reach peace through spiritual understanding.

Whenever you feel that this chakra needs some balance, shift your attitude. Chances are you’re feeling cynical, judgmental, hurt, or upset and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s important to feel those things and allow them to process through, and once you’re ready to balance out again think Gratitude. Remind yourself of all the beautiful people, places and things that you have in your life and express your thanks for them.

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Meditation is a very strong remedy for an imbalance in this chakra as it connects your physical body and mind to the spiritual worlds. And music, but not the angry, head banging shit. Unless that’s how you want to feel, that’s totally up to you.

I’m only going to recommend one crystal here because I swear by it when it comes to the Heart Chakra. Rose Quartz. Rose Quartz everything! Necklace, bracelet, tumble stone in your bra, scentsy cubes, display crystals. It doesn’t matter, just Rose Quartz it up however you can. It helps dissolve emotional wounds, and makes you feel safe to lower those walls again. It prevents and destroys fears and resentments. It helps you to attract love, romance and intimacy, and even helps you keep it 😉 . It opens up your Heart Chakra to allow you to love openly and freely. What else is there that really matters in this world?!

So… Are you choosing Love or Fear today? ✌️❤️

heartchakraaffirmation

Women’s Empowerment – The Future is Female 💖

Mother’s Day just passed so a Women’s Empowerment post seems appropriate. That seems so ridiculous tho – doesn’t it? Why the f*ck are we only posting about the badass women we know one day out of the year?!

Women are beautiful, intuitive, passionate, nurturing, wild, loving people and deserve to be celebrated every minute of every day!! We’ve lived so long in a world that celebrates the accomplishments of men, and quiets the voices of women – telling us were either “too little” or “too much”. And somewhere along the line we started to believe that! We started judging other women – our sisters – telling them to stop being slutty or bitchy or needy.

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This needs to end.

It’s time for women to lift each other up, to stop comparing, to start owning exactly who we are – The Powerful Badass Warrior Women, and among them are those who literally birthed every single human on this planet!!! And it’s time for men to recognize the divine feminine in each of us, and in themselves and empower women to shine as brightly as they possibly can.

So do one thing today – tell yourself or a woman you love, or a woman you don’t even know, how f*cking amazing they are! 😀❤️✌️

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Process Those Emotions Through Your Heart

I surprised myself after the break up. I hadn’t really cried. I was sad, and I was mad. But I dealt with these things as I normally do, I let them go, brushed them off. I let them go because I refused to let them impact my spiritual progress (little did I know that was doing the opposite). I wondered if this was normal. If it was too simple. If it was even addressing the issue. I asked my therapist if I was dealing with things properly…

This question turned in to a long conversation about processing emotions. And even after I went home I opened up my Instagram and it seemed that every other post on my feed was speaking to me about this. Go figure we’re all human.

Here’s five general points that sat well with me, and still do…

1) Throughout our lives we create blockages in our bodies with the energy from feelings that have not been processed. These turn in to impressions (beliefs about ourselves or others) which can get stimulated by events, people, “triggers” essentially, and end up creating fears, negative feelings of self doubt etc…

2) When we encounter a new event that causes emotions to arise, and we need to keep our heart open, so not to create another blockage (because no one wants a blockage!). We have to allow the emotion to work it’s way through our bodies, and channel directly through our heart centres (be it sadness, anger, disappointment, worry etc…).

3) It can be a painful process, frankly it hurts like hell and feels like you’re going to drown in a puddle of tears, and it is necessary. How many times have you “dealt” with your feelings around something just to see the same thing pop up again and again and again? The more we try to suppress our feelings, distract ourselves by saying we’ll deal with it another day, the harder it gets to actually process it effectively. And when it already hurts like hell you don’t want to make it any worse.

4) There is a huge difference between allowing emotions or feelings to channel through your heart, and sitting in your shit. I tell myself it is completely healthy and okay to sit in “victim-mode” and grieve for a certain amount of time – be it an hour, or a day depending on the level of emotion I’m feeling – and then that’s it. I release it. I refuse to let that emotion or thought bog me down any longer. I refuse to become it. I refuse to become the thoughts that arise from the emotion. That’s just plain toxic.

5) Processed or – even better- released emotions can become powerful motivators for positive change. Instead of being stuck in a never ending cycle of bullshit, process your emotions, allow them to channel through you. With this experience of purification, and releasing of blockages you open yourself up to the universal flow of energy. This is when the healing takes place. When we allow the energy to travel to our heart, our soul is there to meet it, and our soul holds the answers.

So how do you do this? I sat in my basement apartment, locked the door, grabbed a tea and I started writing. I sat with myself for hours, and I wrote and cried, and wrote mean things (which I later burnt) and cried, and wrote all of the feelings I was ashamed to admit and cried some more. I called my mom and was grateful that she created space for me to continue crying, to vent, and then to be comforted. I asked her to tell me everything would be okay. I knew in my heart that it would be (that’s the key to not sitting in your shit) but I needed her to say it.

Essentially I gave myself permission to feel. To REALLY FEEL.

****There may be some of you reading this that don’t feel safe allowing yourself to fully feel, and please know that’s ok. Maybe its not time yet, or maybe you can talk to someone about how to create a safe space for you to do this.

It’s important to find a way that works specifically for you. It will look different for everyone. Maybe you need to listen to sappy love songs, or loud screamer songs. Maybe you need to go to a rage room, or just call a close friend that allows you to vent fully without judgment. Maybe you need to do some painting, or go sit near the lake. Whatever it looks like, when the tears start flowin, DON’T STOP THEM! Allow them – give yourself permission to feel them. Pay attention to how the energy feels making it’s way through your body, and in to your heart. Once it’s in your heart your soul will know when it’s ready to be released ❤✌

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 3 🦄✨

Thank you Bittermarshmellos (link below) for nominating me for this challenge!! Below are the rules and my nominations for today.

https://bittermarshmellos.wordpress.com

DAY 3 QUOTE:

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That’s it. Plain and simple. I don’t owe you an explanation. I have finally gotten to a point where I can love myself enough to say that 💖💖

Ever since I can remember I have dulled my sparkle to fit in to other people’s lives – to their perfect little boxes. I have dated people that have tried to outshine or extinguish my sparkle. I have had friends who have been intimated by my sparkle, and so I hid it.

I’ve been scared to shine because I might lose you. But that fear is gone.

If anyone in your life is making it uncomfortable for you to grow then they do not belong there. If there are people who don’t support, or are embarrassed by your fucking sparkle tell them to hit the road! Those are not your people anymore.

Your people are the ones who empower you, who encourage you, who challenge you to become better. Your people are cheerleaders, even when they don’t understand what they’re cheering for. They’re your sisters, your tribe. They’re the faceless wonders who like your blog. They’re the ones who lift you up, who fill you up! They’re the ones who clap for you when you say “because I fucking sparkle, that’s why” ❤️✌️


 

Rules for the challenge are :

1. Thank the person who have nominated you for the challenge.

2. Post 3 quotes (1 for each day) for 3 days consecutively.

3. Nominate three more bloggers for the same challenge each day.

Today’s Nominations:

✨Jessica – PersonalGrowth&Success

https://personalgrowthsuccessblog.com

✨Dear Kiwanna

https://dearkiwanna.com

✨Ashleyleia

https://mentalhealthathome.wordpress.com

A Lonely Journey Towards Awakening – Where’s My Tribe?

I was told right off the hop that this journey would be a lonely one. I knew it would be, but I never expected what was coming.

I was grieving the loss of my relationship, I was trying to push through years worth of burnout and compassion fatigue to try and rebuild relationships with my family and friends, and I was drawn to things spiritually that most people pass judgment about instantly. It was hard for me to be around anyone for longer than 20 mins without feeling completely drained, but I forced myself to call at least one person per day and have a real conversation with them.

I have two friends that I could talk to about my journey. Everyone else I felt judged or misunderstood. I’m sure this had a lot to do with the fact that I barely understood what was awakening in me, and pieces of my ego were still making judgments about it.

My friends, and even my dad, are still willing to listen without judgment and entertain my desire to do card readings or reiki. My friends love crystals and even attempt meditating from time to time. They are as supportive as they can be of my journey, without actually going through it themselves. And they have absolutely no idea how deeply meaningful that is ❤❤

And this is where my heart knows that something is still missing. Whatever it is I’m going through – an awakening, a calling, divine purpose – I feel like I need people who are also going through it. People I can talk to about phases of the moon, the rising of the feminine, the law of attraction, frequency and vibrations of crystals, energy in all its forms, She… Someone who hears the word “witch” and doesn’t instantly want to run in fear of me casting spells against them. I need these people to lead me, to resonate with me, to inspire me. There is something bubbling so intensely on my surface and I dont know how to release it.

As much as people are awakening and this new-age spirituality is taking different forms and gaining a much larger following, it is still very difficult to find those people. To create a tribe of soul sisters, of moon goddesses, of gypsy spirits.

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It makes me wonder if most people are (like me) still hiding in what Rebecca Campbell calls their “spiritual closet”. In her book Rise Sister Rise, Campbell talks about this spiritual closet we hide out in, in order to protect our sacred beliefs. But she says;

“we must not waste our time hiding parts of who we are from the world around us. It is our weirdness, our secret passions, our deepest beliefs that make us who we are. Come out of whatever closet you are in”.

One of my wishes in creating this blog was to communicate with like-minded women and men who feel the energy shifting in the world, who feel the entirety of their core changing.

My other wish is two fold; that I could help people understand and have less judgment towards a spiritual calling, and even perhaps inspire those who are just starting their journey as I did a few months ago.

This journey is lonely in one way – but it is undeniably the most soul-filling feeling of connection that I’ve ever experienced. ✌❤

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Self ❤ Love: The Greatest🖕Middle Finger

When you cheated I was angry. I was hurt. I was heartbroken.

It’s incredible how one persons’ choice can turn your entire life upside down in one moment. In just one choice – one action – everything changes.

The initial reaction, the most comfortable reaction for our ego is anger. I was lied to, betrayed. I felt used. I was mad because I trusted them. I thought I knew them. I was even more mad at myself for letting someone get close enough to cause this pain, for giving them all of this power. I felt stupid and confused.

I questioned my value, and whether I was even worth being loved. I compared myself to her, to everyone. What had I done to make her look elsewhere? Where did I go wrong as a girlfriend? Why wasn’t I enough?

I was incredibly heartbroken, and lonely. With one choice, one action, I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my travel partner, my date, my rock. I was stripped, of everything, including the future I had expected.

I know deep down that this person wanted to love me. But I realized that they didn’t know how – they couldn’t. If they wanted to, they could have learned, changed, grew. But the universe knew that wasn’t meant to be. I realized they were never actually mine, and the fact that they couldn’t love me the way I expected them to was never in my control.

I could finally breathe.


I was grateful. I was hopeful.

And then, my mind silenced long enough to be grateful. I was grateful that this person chose me and loved me as deep as they could for almost five years. I was grateful that we had a lot of really awesome memories together. I was grateful that she introduced me to sober living. I was grateful that she encouraged and respected my spiritual growth. This was the most valuable gift anyone could have given me.

And I was grateful the relationship ended when it did, and the way it did.

I was hopeful because my eyes were open, and I had awakened. I was hopeful because this was the beginning of something beautiful and I could feel that. I felt it very strongly.


I was becoming…

On this day I knew I was moving in the direction of unapologetically loving myself. I took a big swig of that self love juice! I could take responsibility for my wrongs in the relationship, and I could be humble enough to recognize that it’s possible she stopped loving me without throwing a pity party or compromising my self worth.

I realized that sitting with all of these feelings is exactly what I needed to do. Allowing every feeling – even the desperately uncomfortable ones – to pass through my heart was crucial to my journey of self discovery, of soul searching and of self love. And it sucked. A LOT!

But….

Every day I get stronger.

My ex told me shortly after this that she felt like a pawn in my spiritual journey. That she felt like she was placed in my life to lead me somewhere, and then she was no longer necessary. And I believe there is truth to that. Relationships are in our lives for a reason, and when they have drawn their course they are removed. Trust the universe when a door closes, although it may hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before, it may actually be the best thing that’s ever happened for you. ✌❤

Tarot Told Me To Leave My Partner

The first time I bought cards it was this Tarot Basics box. I was starting fresh – total newbie, purchasing a how-to book on top of that, as I didn’t know the box would come with a learning guide. I was a little messy at the time too ok? Don’t judge.

It had been about a month since I started a disability leave at work, and since my partner had cheated. She and I had just celebrated a rather awkward Christmas and New Years with our families and had decided on New Years day that it was best if she stayed with her parents for a day or two. My understanding was that she was going to figure out if she could actually commit to me. That’s how much I allowed other people to determine my path. She cheated, and I asked her to figure out if she could commit 🤔. We humans are a little loopy.

Anyways, she had been there two days so far and, it was a Wednesday (hump day – go figure – you’ll get the idea), I decided that I was going to treat myself to a new book and some sushi. I ended up in the New Age section at Chapters – all oogley eyed and inspired -and came across these Tarot cards. I figured it would be a fun way to entertain myself until my partner returned home (I told you I was messy). I also found Emma Mildon’s “The Soul Searchers Handbook”. It brought tears to my eyes! This was exactly the type of guide I was looking for.

Last night I did everything I was supposed to. I cleansed (or cleared) the cards, I consecrated them with my energy, I held them to my heart and bestowed blessings and intentions and I did a reading. I chose The Oracle Spread.

 

The Oracle Spread is 3 cards. The left card is the present problem, the middle card is the way out, and the third card (on the right obviously) is the future if you are prepared to follow that path. I asked a pretty basic question about what to do with my relationship and literally everything screamed RUN! 

 

  1. Present Problem: a farewell. Great danger of being sold short or cast as an extra. Current issue demands a lot of effort – putting down inner roots in order to scale greater heights in outward life.
  2. Way Out: end of a journey or eternal repetition or vicious cycle. Discover your personal values and what is truly essential for you.
  3. The Future: rebirth. Bury what is dead and be open to receive what is to come. Learn to forgive without forgetting. Draw the line.

-journal entry Jan 2018

I didn’t trust them, or maybe I did, and I just refused to follow through with the guidance. You see, at this point I knew deep down that my relationship was over. But I wasn’t quite ready to give up the fairy tale I had created in my mind. So much of reading cards is intuition. I knew what these cards were telling me right away and I chose to ignore them. I wasn’t quite ready to make such a big decision for myself. So I allowed my mind to race through all the possibilities of becoming a stronger couple, of being fought for and adored wholeheartedly. But it didn’t feel natural.

I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried for a sign – any sign – of what to do.  Not even five minutes later I found out that my partner had cheated again. While I was doing my card reading, she was “reading” someone else… if you know what I mean 😉 Now, this is not intended to make my ex out to be a terrible person – she isn’t. She was struggling just as I was. Though I don’t agree with the way in which things ended, I do believe they were meant to end between us. And maybe this was the only way my stubborn ass would let go of the fairy tale. I had fought against the universe for awhile. And I’ve heard it a few times that the universe will show you gentle sings, if you don’t listen they’ll give you a little nudge, or two, and if you still don’t listen you will get a good smack. I got smacked.

And back to the actual point… my first experience with Tarot was incredibly accurate, and that hasn’t changed since!! It continues to get stronger as I become familiar with the cards, and as I choose decks that I am drawn to. I have had some really cool experiences where I end up in a puddle of tears because I am so mesmerized. The cards never cease to bring me hope, validation and encouragement. Sometimes they knock me down a peg or two, but to me its like a best friend telling you the raw, hard truth, even though you don’t want to hear it. The divine messages that come through these cards are only meant to lead you to your highest good.

I really like keeping a diary of my readings because there are times I still rebel against them and choose not to listen. When I find myself wondering where things went wrong I can look back in my diary and see that it was me pushing against the grain again, and not following the guidance the universe provides. Essentially these readings allow my trust in the universe to grow, and my trust in my own intuition ❤️✌️


🌸 Spreads I Enjoy 🌸

  • I like the spread Tiffany Maloney discussed a few years ago in this blog;

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18172/how-to-do-a-basic-tarot-reading-for-yourself-or-a-friend.html

  • And here are a few of my favourite spreads I found on Pinterest;

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The Infinite Value of Self-Worth

In what ways do you find value? How do you measure self-worth?

These are the questions my new therapist asked me. I had just finished explaining how I felt like I lost the five fundamental things in my life; belief system, relationship, work, friends/family and myself. I thought it was an interesting question, one I hadn’t really thought about before. I told her that I feel valued when my friends rely on me, when I make my parents proud, when I surpass an expectation at work, when my partner tells me they love me… My therapist was quick to point out that none of these examples demonstrate self-worth. I was finding value in external sources alone. I didn’t place any value on myself without the validation from others/events.

“As far as I can think back, there is so much truth to this. Most, if not all of what I do, revolves around not disappointing people, but impressing them. And when they value me, or at least I perceive that they value me, I keep going. I literally can’t think of a time where I wasn’t trying to prove myself, in one way or another, to another person. I feel like I am no longer of value to my work (hence not getting the job), my relationship (hence her infidelity), my family and my friends (I’m sure I have disappointed them with all of this) and this is why I am lost.”
– journal entry Dec 2017

What a risky move – allowing external sources in my life determine my value. Essentially I was placing my mental and emotional health directly in their hands. Whether they wanted it or not, I was giving it to them. For whatever reason, I didn’t feel that I was good enough to place value on “just” me. But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize – the value that we place on ourselves is the only type of worth that we actually have control over. In that way, WE get to determine how these external factors influence our inner sense of value.

Society has this idea of what “success” should look like, our parents believe it, our friends believe it, and we believe it. We seek value and worth in “success”. We fall in to this trap and become so heavily influenced by what we’ve been taught, or conditioned to find value in, that we completely forget that we alone determine what’s of value to us. And our self-worth should always be first on that list. It’s not about the fancy car, the big house, the picket fence and seven children. It’s not about impressing your parents, graduating with honours, or choosing partners that your friends will approve of. It’s not about the size of your waist, the number of Twitter followers you have, or even whether or not your partner is unfaithful. It’s about you! It’s about creating something internally that allows you to see your value, to stand unapologetically in self-worth. This is the only way to achieve the success, the happiness that you desire. This creates a rock hard foundation that not even the worst of external circumstances can break.

The hardest part for me, was actually believing this. It took several therapy sessions for me to see things about myself that I love. I looked at my morals, attitudes, behaviour patterns, archetypes… I wrote positive affirmations in my journal over and over and over. I was trying to re-wire my brain, my mind, my heart to fall in love with myself, and after 30 years of living for others, this ended up being a pretty difficult process.

One day my therapist asked how I thought any of this related to my belief in a higher power. I believed God loved me, and valued me – but that “He” was external to me, as was everything else I allowed to shape my view of myself. My therapist challenged me on this. Is God external or internal? I figured out that this was the reason I wasn’t connecting with the whole concept of a religious God, because I viewed “Him” as external. My lightbulb started flashing when I proclaimed that I believe in Spirituality, in Energy, in the Universal Life Source. If that beautiful, Divine love and light is inside me then I am ABSOLUTELY of value. And I know that I am part of this infinite existence, and that it is internal.

“Spirituality is something deep inside me. And if its in me, and its all love then it would make sense that I’m all love, and all Divine. I’m a Divine being deserving of love. And before I look for that love from anyone/anywhere else, it needs to come directly from the source of the Divine, me”.
– journal entry Dec 2017

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Total Game Changer!

At the end of the day, you are all you got. And you’re the only person who needs to approve of you. Impress yourself. Value yourself. Other people may not understand you. That’s their loss. Make yourself your priority. Be kind to yourself first. It’s not selfish. It’s a necessity, believe me. And its not easy. It’s an entirely different way for most of us to think and behave. I often find myself slipping back and seeking value in others – it has been so deeply ingrained. My therapist reminds me every so often that the journey for self-worth is ongoing, and if I continue to find value in myself I will get stronger, as will my spiritual presence. Today I know I am worthy, and I love myself fully and unconditionally because I am Divine. I know that I will be okay. And so will you. ✨❤️

 

The Beginning; Burnout, Fear and Fools

Have you ever found yourself feeling like a fish out of water? Like an actor in a movie, that you didn’t even know existed, and probably wouldn’t want to watch even if you had to? I’ve always considered myself a sort of “black sheep”, though looking at me, and even knowing me, you would never have guessed it. It didn’t even bother me really, because I played the part you all expected me to. At every level, I even had myself fooled – I’m that good of an actor – still really unsure why Hollywood hasn’t come to scoop me up.

This skewed, internalised perception of who I am, and who the world expects me to be had complete control of my life up until about 4 months ago, and like I said, I didn’t even know it. After my breakdown I had a few friends apologise for not seeing it coming, and to be honest, there’s no way they could have because I had no idea. I lived my life as if everything was perfect, because I truly believed it was. I had an apartment with the person I wanted to marry, I had great friends, and a close enough relationship with my family. I had started a career three years prior that I knew I was good at, and I had a belief in some sort of higher power that encouraged me to be grateful for all of these things. I was happy, successful and loved.

And then something happened, and I crashed. I had applied for a management position at the same place (an organization who supports people with mental health issues). I didn’t get the job, and if this doesn’t seem like a big thing to you, it doesn’t matter. To me, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. It made me upset to the point that I dreamed about hurting myself. I had visions of waking up in the hospital, on the mental health unit. I had disclosed to my partner (very non-chalant-ly) that if I didn’t get the job there was a chance I wouldn’t want to live anymore. I thought I was making a joke at the time, as did they. It wasn’t a joke apparently.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I was incredibly burnt out, I had drained by own cup so severely that for the year before all of this, I had slowly been withdrawing from everything I loved. I remember telling my partner that I couldn’t go to social gatherings, or even AA meetings anymore because I just couldn’t bare to listen to people talk anymore. Even the thought of it made me want to crawl in a hole and cry. I always thought of myself as a social person, I loved people, I always had a long list of friends, and an even longer list of topics for conversation. But at this point, I hated everyone. I started seeing the last year without the rose-coloured glasses. I saw how I had withdrawn completely from my friends and family. I saw the lack of intimacy and interest in my relationship. I saw the absolute dread of going to work. I saw the vicarious trauma in nightmares and new irrational fears. I saw the selfishness, the lack of compassion, the irritability I showed at work. I saw the tears, the shakes, the terrifying thoughts. I saw them all for what they actually were. And that was the scariest part. Applying for that job had subconsciously been my light at the end of the tunnel, and now everything was dark.

And then my partner cheated on me. Within a week I had lost the five fundamental things that made me who I was; my belief in a higher power, my partner, my job, my family and my friends. Physically my partner, my job, my friends and my family were still there, but there was no connection to me. And if I wasn’t connected to these things, I didn’t exist, therefore I lost myself.

I sat in the darkness for a week before I started journalling, and I’d like to share my first journal entry with you… I guess this is where the vulnerability begins;

“The past few weeks I’ve fallen pretty hard. I’ve fallen in to a trap where I feel lost, like I have no purpose. I feel unloved, and not valued. I’m seeing that the things I thought I was doing right were actually creating a shield around me that even those closest to me couldn’t penetrate. I feel so sad, and so incredibly lonely. I feel like I am literally questioning everything in my life because everything is so off balance. 

I don’t even know where to start to rebuild on these things. And maybe it’s not even about re-building, but just building in general. Maybe I need to find a whole new way of living, a whole new view of who I am as a person. It’s scary, terrifying really, and I feel myself resisting it sometimes, but I think the scariest part is that my brain fools itself in to thinking that everything is fine- like it wants me to keep coasting like this. And I am fooled, and then I fool everyone else around me. I talk a good talk. And this scares me to my core because how will I ever really know when I am on the right path?

The only place I feel comfortable starting with is my belief in a higher power. I had a dream last week – I was standing in the middle of a room, alone, screaming, begging for help and one man approached me. It was a pastor from a church I had gone to maybe twice in my life. So I’ve signed up for a spiritual retreat, and I leave in four hours”. 

Church was never really my thing. I didn’t connect with it. I didn’t connect with “religion”. But I was so desperate at this point to find something, anything that could pull me out of the darkness. And for whatever reason I was drawn to the word “Divine”.

And so the journey from social work burnout to spiritual breakout truly began…

❤️✌️