Authenticity: 10 Steps to Shattering Your “Perfect” Little Box

You know that perfect little box you’ve been squeezing in to? What if I told you that people would still love you (and you might even learn to love yourself) if you just took a hammer to it?

Don’t deny it, we’ve all been there. You pretend your life is different than it actually is. You post pictures on Facebook of you and your partner oogley eyeing eachother when in reality you just spent your New Years dinner discussing whether or not you should break up, and the next day she moves out (that’s too descriptive to not be personal haha). You take selfies of your face because you’re uncomfortable with your belly. You put dinner with the girls on your Visa (with the last $30 available) because you’re afraid to say you can’t afford to go out.

Guess what? You aren’t perfect! And that is not only acceptable, it is beautiful. Authenticity is so refreshing.

I urge you to please step up, step out. Stop squeezing. You aren’t fooling the people who actually matter. Those who pull away from you are afraid that you will expose their box (it’s not even about you). Let them fall away. Those who stay, love you for exactly who you are. They are the only ones who matter. You truly matter!

So….

SMASH THE BOX!

SMASH IT! It’s preventing you from falling in love with who you actually are, and living your life to your fullest and highest potential!

10 Steps to Break Free and Shatter Your Box

1. Acknowledge and Analyze it. Stop. Lying. To. Yourself!!!! Notice your box. How large is it? How/When do you use it? How does it benefit you right now? How does it make you feel?

2. Pick up the Hammer. Are you ready? What’s holding you back? Be honest with yourself. This is the start to smashing it. Be ready.

3. SMASH IT! Literally take the hammer and smash that shit. Call someone, admit a lie. The nagging lie would be a good place to start, as long as it won’t hurt anyone. This is about you. You created this box. No one else.

4. Dont be Fake Anymore. It’s exhaaaausting. Seriously, so much of your time will free up.

5. Let the Other Boxes Fall Away. Find the people who appreciate you and know your worth, make room for them. Popularity is incredibly overrated. Everyone knows 3 great friends is far more fulfilling than 30 fake friends.

6. Be Kind, Reliable and Trustworthy. Talk the talk and walk the walk. Act with good intentions. When you say no, mean it. When you say yes, mean it.

7. Be Open to Possibilities. Have faith. Think critically and objectively. Keep an open mind and question yourself – your motives, fears…

8. Be True to Yourself. What are your virtues? Morals? Values? Own your imperfections. Self awareness is so empowering. Learn about you. What gives you goosebumps? What makes you tick? Integrity is key.

9. Be Bold. Wear the polka dots when everyone else chooses black. Be honest, have courage, be brave. And at the end of the day own it all!!!

10. Love Yourself No Matter What. Love your quirks, your imperfections. Nurture yourself if you make a mistake. You are human afterall. Be grateful for your gifts. Be as authentic as you possibly can, and love this about yourself. Don’t change for anyone. When you are so comfortable within yourself you inspire others to do the same.

Authenticity. It’s a virtue. Do you believe this? Where will you let it take you? ❤✌

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A Quick Story of ______ 🙏

I was reading through my journal today. Once in a while I like to look back at what I wrote because it reminds me of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, like tonight I’ll even make connections that I wasn’t aware of before.

May 8th, 2018 I wrote “I feel compelled to write a few things; past lives, bring four roses to the cemetary, and fear that I will never be good enough for my parents”.

At the time I wondered why I would bring 4 roses to the cemetary. My grandpa had passed away six weeks before, and he was buried with his son (my uncle) and another uncle of mine was also buried closeby. But unless my math is failing me, that’s only 3.

Fast forward to May 24th, 2018. Two weeks later and my aunt passes away. She will be buried with her late husband, my uncle.

Not long after that, with a heavy heart, I brought those 4 roses.

Inner knowing? Psychic awareness? Intuition? Messages from Angels? Synchronicity? Whatever it is, it’s alive and well over here. ❤🌙

10 Ways to Know You’re Aligned With Your Purpose(s) 😉❤

For most of us talking about our life’s purpose feels so daunting. How can I, a simple small town girl have some incredible “life purpose”?! It sounds so intense, and responsible. What if I fail? I don’t want to have that kind of weight on my shoulders!

But what if we change our perspective a little… What if we (as individuals) don’t have this one distinct, life changing purpose in our lives? Instead our lives are built upon situations, choices, relationships that within each and every one of them has a life purpose. What if the world is littered with gazillions of smaller purposes? Each one of them as meaningful as the last. If you think about it every relationship we have serves a purpose, every job, maybe even every conversation. The relationships for example, even the worst ones have taught us something, and that was their purpose!

Even if we choose something that is not directly aligned with the universe, there is still a purpose there. There is a purpose in everything. So relax. There is no pressure here. You may just be re-routed a few times, and you may feel off balance when you aren’t aligned.

The only thing that we’re asked to do is recognize and challenge ourselves to understand these purposes, and take the lessons that we need from each of them, so that we don’t need to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. When we do this we start to live a life that is aligned with the universe. We start to live authentically. This is where we find success, happiness, joy and love. Ultimately, this is the highest life purpose for each of us.

So how can we know that we are following our purpose? That we are working towards aligning our lives? Simple, our intuition. Intuition ALWAYS tells us what is best, not only for us, but for humanity as a whole. Here are 10 signs that will confirm you are aligned with your intuition;

  1. You follow things that feel light and bright
  2. You get gut feelings, or feelings in your chest that are an inner knowing, and that never need an explanation
  3. Your chest and shoulders feel open and airy (rather than tight and constricted)
  4. Situations in your life continue to happen, until you finally make another choice
  5. Little signs keep showing you big things
  6. You feel inspired, excited about life
  7. The clock keeps showing you the same numbers; 11:11, 4:44, 5:55 etc…
  8. You daydream things (or have dreams at night) that are actually coming true
  9. You think about someone and then they call or text a minute later (Careful with this one, it could also be a test which inspires your lesson and your purpose)
  10. The word “intuition” brings a lightness to your soul ❤✌

WTF is a Crown Chakra?!

Seventh and final blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired. Once you finish this post you should have a pretty good idea about which of your chakras needs the most help and which are actually pretty balanced… atleast for today. Learning about the chakras was a total game changer for me. My mind/body/soul awareness meter definitely hit a new high score. Once you can feel that a chakra is off balance it’s easy to work with it. Start wearing the colour associated with that chakra, meditate with corresponding crystals, say the affirmations, go for a Reiki or Chakra Balancing session. And honestly, just Google it – find something that works for you if these suggestions aren’t enough.

The Crown Chakra (or Sahasrana) is located at the very top of our head – where we would wear a crown. It’s the last chakra in the ladder, and in my opinion the most important. This chakra is our direct link to spirituality and the universal  source. It is our connection to spirit and their world, the divine and enlightenment. The Crown Chakra connects us to our higher selves. The colour associated here is white, or violet.

Crown 👑 = top of head = spirituality = white light energy (or Source)

When our Crown Chakra is balanced we know that we are a part of the collective, and we are connected to and are interested in a higher purpose. We are confident that we have a place, and purpose in this world. We have a clear vision and know that we are spiritually awake.

When this chakra is unbalanced we can feel mentally, spiritually and physically disconnected;

Mentally ➡️confused, unfocused, cynical, close-minded, unsatisfied with anything in life, depressed, bored, self-limiting beliefs…

Spiritually ➡️loss of faith, distrusting or disbelieving in a higher power, very materialistic and ego driven, no feeling of purpose…

Physically ➡️disconnected from sensations in your body, headaches/migraines, sensitivity to light. This Crown Chakra is associated with the brain, the pituitary gland, the endocrine system, the central nervous system and the cerebral cortex. An imbalance may lead to neurological dksorders, dementia, Parkinson’s etc…

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To bring the Crown Chakra back in to balance sit in silence in the sun. Thought and light are elements that fuel this chakra. Use Amethyst, Clear Quartz and Selenite to meditate, and repeat the affirmations below. For the Crown Chakra especially, it is extremely important to develop a consistent, spiritual routine.

For myself, I’m getting in the groove of reading before I go to sleep, waking up and lighting an incense and candle and sitting in silence in front of my altar. Then I do a card reading. I do meditations about 4 times a week, but I want to be more vigilant with this and get back to every day. Find what works for you, and what you truly enjoy doing that makes you feel connected, and build a routine around that ✌️❤️

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WTF is a Third Eye Chakra?!

Sixth blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired. Almost Done! Kind reminder time; it takes more than just reading these posts to balance your chakras. The real work is up to you, especially at this phase in the game. Do your research! The intention for this series is to give you a quick snapshot of each chakra so that you can start to pay more attention to your body and know what each chakra works with. Secondly, if you don’t know what I mean when I say “chakra” there is a “WTF is a Chakra” post at the beginning of this series. Read it first.

The Third Eye Chakra (brow chakra or Ajna) is located on the forehead directly in the centre of your eyebrows (or unibrow for some – no judgment). This chakra packs the punch. Not only is it my favourite colour – like a deep purple/blue but it’s the main point of entry for the universal life force energy. Meaning energy enters our body through our Third Eye and this chakra distributes the energy throughout our body. The Third Eye Chakra is known as the seat of intuition, wisdom and spiritual insight. It provides us with an entirely new way of seeing.

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So… Third Eye, in between your other eyes – sees beyond what the other two see – intuition – and I think you’ll just need to remember that its deep purple because I’m stumped for some clever way to remember that. Comment below if you’re more creative than me 😉

Our Third Eye Chakra brings us a whole new level of awareness when it’s balanced. Our thinking and our vision becomes more clear, and inevitably that allows us to focus on the bigger picture with ease. When it’s unbalanced it can leave us feeling unmotivated, depressed, anxiety ridden and fearful of the unknown. We will remain stuck in problem thinking and will feel a gigantic block in our intuition and our psychic abilities. Someone who hasn’t awoken their Third Eye Chakra will feel stuck in the daily grind of every day life (yuck). They might lack inspiration and clarity and be unable to establish any sort of vision for themselves or their lives. Monotonous everything.

Physically an imbalance can effect the brain, eyes, and pituitary glands. This can lead to migraines, seizures, sinusitis, poor vision, sciatica and problems regulating or getting to sleep.

Someone with a blocked Third Eye will likely reject all things spiritual. Or they may believe in God, but shut down everything else that may require a deeper connection and some imagination. The Third Eye Chakra allows us to see in to the spiritual realm. It is linked to psychic abilities like Clairvoyance and Clairaudience. When it’s in balance we are connected, we are wise, intuitive, and magical.

To awaken our Third Eye Chakra it is incredibly important to meditate as often as possible. There are hundreds of meditations on YouTube you can try. I started with guided visualizations and then moved to just music where I can do my own visualizations. I find these to be very powerful in developing your third eye. Pay attention to the ways in which it feels and looks different when you are using your third eye, as opposed to eye #1 and #2. For me, even the thoughts I have change. Don’t be discouraged when the things you witness with your third eye are hard to explain or describe to someone else. Use your intuition!! Really reign in on what your inner voice and your gut are telling you, and don’t question it or doubt yourself.

Another way to build your psychic powers and awaken your third eye is through divination tools. Use Oracle Cards or a Pendulum. Talk to Spirit, ask for help. Participate in a moon ritual – the Full Moon is a fantastic time to open this chakra.

Lapis Lazuli, Lavender Quartz, Purple Fluorite and Lepidolite are crystals that I like to use with the Third Eye Chakra. You can hold them (or even charge them) with these affirmations;

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❤️✌️

WTF is a Throat Chakra?!

Fifth blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired.

The Throat Chakra (or Vishuddha) is located right where you might guess. In the hollow of the throat (points for being a genius 🤓). In honour of keeping it simple, the Throat Chakra deals with our ability to communicate. It’s our hub of expression; self expression, expression of emotions, creative expression and non verbal expression. The colour associated with this chakra is Blue. I just pulled the phone-a-friend card and asked how to make it easy to remember that the Throat Chakra is blue – water she said! You gotta drink water, lube your throat to communicate – totally makes sense.
So here it is; Throat = communication = water = blue.

A balanced Throat Chakra helps you to know what you want in life, and express yourself confidently and responsibly. You’re able to reflect and explore with courage and honesty, and share your authentic self with the rest of the world. You won’t be afraid to ask for what you want because you’ll do it with integrity and respect.

When your Throat Chakra is off balance you will have trouble expressing yourself. This may look like a creative block, difficulty speaking your truth, social anxiety or excessive fear of speaking in front of a crowd. If there’s a block in this chakra you could be wondering why you just can’t stop lying. You can become very critical of others, verbally aggressive and gossipy. People with an imbalance in this chakra tend to be loud and are often yelling. They have a tendency of interrupting people and are intolerant of others’ opinions.

Physically the Throat Chakra has an impact on your neck, shoulders, ears, mouth, jaw, and thyroid. This could potentially look like chronic sore throats or bronchitis, mouth ulcers or cold sores, thyroid problems, neck pain and headaches.

The Throat Chakra serves as a mediator between our emotions (heart) and our mind (thoughts). When there is an imbalance we can become distrustful of our inner voice, and disconnected spiritually. This builds upon the disconnect you already feel because an unbalanced Throat Chakra already prevents you from realizing your truth, and purpose. It is very important to keep this chakra balanced if you want to move forward spiritually.

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Sodalite and Aquamarine are my favourite crystals associated with the Throat Chakra. I actually have a Sodalite wand that I use to direct the energy in or away from my throat. When we are trying to grow spiritually it is incredibly important that we learn to speak our truth and feel safe doing so.

A couple of ways I have used to balance this chakra are;

  1. Journaling – be as raw and vulnerable as you can be. If you can’t be honest in your own journal then you’ve got a problem.
  2. Find someone you trust and tell them your deepest secret. The one that always sits at the peak of your mind and plays like a movie on repeat. Get it out.
  3. Wear blue, and decorate a room with some blue accents. Both my bathroom and my bedroom have shades of blue. Its not a sad colour, it’s calming and supportive especially a dark blue.
  4. Reassure your friends and family when they are speaking. Let them know that what they are saying is important, and honest. Eventually you will start saying it to yourself.

Grab that trusty mirror again and repeat the affirmations below…

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✌️❤️

WTF is a Heart Chakra?!

Fourth blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired.

The Heart Chakra (Anahata) is located in the centre of your chest (shouldn’t be hard to figure out why 🤔). The Heart Chakra encompasses our capacity to accept and feel unconditional love, compassion and joy. The colour associated is Green. This chakra falls right in the middle of our 7 main chakras and represents the space where the physical and spiritual worlds meet. It reminds us that beneath all of our basic, human problems there is a purity within us. Spiritual love so deep that it takes on the colour of nature to show us how connected we are.
Heart = love = green like nature (deep spiritual love).

When our Heart Chakra is off balance we will feel unworthy of love. We won’t be able to accept love fully, and we will lack the ability to trust others, and ourselves. You know those walls that we build once we get hurt? We think we’re protecting ourselves by adopting these defense mechanisms that push people away and keep our hearts safe – those walls are deeply connected to this chakra. When they’re up, you are literally closing this chakra and the wheel isn’t moving any energy. This makes us closed off, defensive, antisocial, heartless little meanies. We hold grudges easily, are unkind, irritable, bossy and overly critical with others.

When in balance this chakra is respectful and encouraging. It allows people (including ourselves) to be who they really are, and loves them for it. We are quick to forgive because we empathize and are ruled by understanding and compassion.

Physically our heart (duh), our chest, arms, hands and ribs can be impacted by an imbalance in the Heart Chakra. This can show in heart problems, difficulty breathing, hypertension, poor circulation etc…

You know when you are sitting across from someone and they smile at you, and you feel this warmth in your chest and little chills down your arms? That’s your Heart Chakra saying there’s a pretty solid chance you love them.
As the middle chakra, and the centre of love, awareness, compassion and empathy, spirituality runs strongly throughout this one. When our Heart Chakra is open we have faith that we are all connected. We know that we are born from and to be divine love. We have the ability to grieve and reach peace through spiritual understanding.

Whenever you feel that this chakra needs some balance, shift your attitude. Chances are you’re feeling cynical, judgmental, hurt, or upset and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s important to feel those things and allow them to process through, and once you’re ready to balance out again think Gratitude. Remind yourself of all the beautiful people, places and things that you have in your life and express your thanks for them.

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Meditation is a very strong remedy for an imbalance in this chakra as it connects your physical body and mind to the spiritual worlds. And music, but not the angry, head banging shit. Unless that’s how you want to feel, that’s totally up to you.

I’m only going to recommend one crystal here because I swear by it when it comes to the Heart Chakra. Rose Quartz. Rose Quartz everything! Necklace, bracelet, tumble stone in your bra, scentsy cubes, display crystals. It doesn’t matter, just Rose Quartz it up however you can. It helps dissolve emotional wounds, and makes you feel safe to lower those walls again. It prevents and destroys fears and resentments. It helps you to attract love, romance and intimacy, and even helps you keep it 😉 . It opens up your Heart Chakra to allow you to love openly and freely. What else is there that really matters in this world?!

So… Are you choosing Love or Fear today? ✌️❤️

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WTF is a Solar Plexus Chakra?!

Third blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired. We’re just working our way up here! Kind reminder time; it takes more than just reading these posts to balance your chakras. The real work is in your hands. Do your research. The intention for this series is to give you a quick snapshot of each chakra so that you can start to pay more attention to your body and know what each chakra works with. Secondly, if you don’t know what I mean when I say “chakra” there is a “WTF is a Chakra” post at the beginning of this series. Read it.

The Solar Plexus Chakra (or Manipura) is located just above our belly button at the bottom of our rib cage. This is our “don’t be a doormat” chakra. It’s about knowing your worth. It’s our centre for personal willpower and self-esteem. The Solar Plexus Chakra controls the energy that can muster up the courage not only deal with, but master the emotions that arise in the Sacral Chakra, overcome any fear associated with them and set forth taking confident action. The colour associated with our SP is yellow.

Solar = Sun = Yellow = Warm, Vibrant, Confident 👌

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When our Solar Plexus is off balance we feel ignored, under valued, unappreciated, and rejected. It’s no wonder this was the first chakra I was drawn to on my journey. I was looking for value external to me. I was allowing other people/situations to decide how I felt, what I did, what made me happy. I was inactive in my own life, passive and indecisive. When this chakra is out of whack we might see ourselves as victims. We will put up with poor treatment and have low standards because we may think this is what we are deserving of. News Flash = that’s a lie; you deserve every ounce of beauty this world has to offer!!!

Physically an imbalance in the SP will impact our liver, gallbladder (mine was removed for a reason lol) and our digestive system. We might suffer from gas, nausea, diabetes, ulcers etc… A balanced SP will help you be proactive in terms of assessment and treatment of illness because it allows you to meet challenges with confidence, rather than being fearful and inactive.

The enemy of the SP is the ego (😰ugh). And unfortunately as we increase our awareness, and we start to grow spiritually or otherwise, our ego fights back. Hard. It makes us question everything. We might feel really good and confident one moment, and then one person looks at us the wrong way, we feel judged, our self esteem disappears and our ego starts to party, filling us with nasty messages about how we aren’t worthy, we aren’t enough…

To enable the Solar Plexus Chakra to function optimally, we need to be able to decipher ego from intuition. We need to believe in ourselves and trust the universe. We need to do some hard work with our self esteem and self worth. Do you know the difference?

I’m going to challenge you today, it’s like truth and dare but you have to do both.

Truth: What is an exciting and challenging goal you want to achieve? Write it down. Write down some small steps you can take to reach it. Monitor your progress and celebrate when you have achieved something. Pat yourself on the back, and buy yourself some flowers.

Dare: Smile! Get out in the sun, stretch your body, do a little dance. Step out of your comfort zone, do something nice for someone and don’t tell anyone you did it.

And one last thing… Put on an outfit that makes you feel beautiful (because you are!!). It doesn’t even matter if it’s your flannel onesie. I won’t judge! Stand in front of the mirror holding one (or all) of these crystals; yellow jasper, citrine, amber or tiger’s eye, and repeat these affirmations;

❤️✌️

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WTF is a Sacral Chakra?!

Second blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired.

The Sacral Chakra (or Svadhistana) is my fave, and certainly the one I’ve done the most work with. It is located in your ponch (don’t be embarrassed, we all have one) in between your belly button and your privates. This chakra represents the hub of our emotions, and our sexual energy centre. It’s our emotional and creative responses to the core issues from the Root Chakra. The colour associated with this chakra is orange.

Hmmmm… An easy way to remember this one? Sacral… sacred (sex) and orange is spicy and fiery like our emotions, and like some sex 😋

When our Sacral Chakra is out of balance we will struggle with intimate relationships, (with others and with ourselves) and I don’t just mean sexually, though that is definitely a part of it. We will be codependent, needy and whiny little twits. We will seek pleasure in unhealthy ways. We will struggle with addiction, jealousy and rage. We will either hide our feelings completely or we will use them to manipulate and control other people.

Physically our reproductive organs, kidney, bladder and lower back will be impacted. We might experience infertility, testicular diseases, cramping (ugh) etc… I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and I can guarantee this was my Sacral Chakra screaming at me to pay attention because it was shutting down.

This one was a big one for me spiritually. The Sacral Chakra is connected to the Divine Feminine in all of us. It is associated with the moon, and goddess energies. Only once I was able to fully embrace this chakra was I able to discover my authentic self, love myself freely and unapologetically, and speak my truth without shame and judgment.

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You know what? This one was a big one for me just in general. If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, or my “about me” section, you know I’ve suffered from severe burnout. Most of us have, in one way or another. For those of us who are empaths, I cannot even stress how important it is to pay attention to this chakra.

If you have experienced any imbalance in relationships. If you’ve ever felt guilty for shining too bright. If you’ve ever felt insecure about sharing how you feel. If you’ve ever been a girl – been told not to eat too much, spend too much, talk too much, cry too much, or have too much sex. If you’ve ever been ashamed about enjoying sex with a partner, or multiple partners… Focus on this chakra!

Pull some orange into your wardrobe. Buy an orange blanket and cuddle up to it. Meditate with Citrine, Carnelian or Moonstone. Practice mindfulness – jackpot!! Be mindful of your thoughts and intentions and watch how these impact your emotions. Be aware of these emotions and how they feel in your body. If it feels good, then enjoy it! Find a solid balance between discipline and passion. It is vital that we find joy in this life!!

Explore yourself inside and out, and fall in love with everything you find ❤️✌️

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WTF is a Root Chakra?!

First blog in this mini-series of WTF for the chakra-impaired. If you don’t know what a chakra is please go back and read the first one.

The Root (or base or Muladhara) Chakra is located at the base of your spine. It might be confusing to some of you that were starting in the middle of your body as opposed to the top of your head or your feet, but that’s just how it is. Think Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The base of the triangle is the basic necessities of being a human; food, shelter, safety and security. This is the stuff that the Root Chakra deals with. The colour associated with it is Red. Red is primitive, it is strength, it is survival.
Root. Base (base of spine). Basic needs. Red. Survival. Ya following so far? Awesome!

When our Root Chakra is out of balance we are ruled by fear and anxiety. We have a strong sense that something is unsafe. We are worried about our job, our relationships, our bills. We don’t feel grounded, some might even call us “flighty” or forgetful.

Physically, our lower body is affected by an imbalance with our Root Chakra (again this just means that the wheel isn’t turning perfectly to allow free flow of energy). This could show in our feet, legs, bones, bowels, private parts etc…

Spiritually, a Root Chakra imbalance may demonstrate an insecure sense of belief, or no belief system at all. You may believe that the world is out to get you. Or you may just be trying to figure out exactly what you do believe in.

If any of this resonates, take a moment to ground yourself now. Put on something red. Stand up tall, feet planted on the ground. Visualize your body transforming in to a tree. <<Be The Tree>> See the roots shoot from the bottom of your feet deep, deep down in to the earth. Roots so strong they are impossible to break. Breathe deeply in to this feeling of stability and strength. Know that everything will be okay. You will make it work.

For most of us an imbalance in our Root Chakra will occur at a very young age, so young we might forget how it even got there. Because the Root Chakra deals with your sense of security and safety, if something happened when you were a child to make you question these things, this is likely where you are still carrying it. Tiny impressions will create little blockages, each time an impression is triggered it gets bigger and bigger, and bigger and creates blockages so strong that it can shut down the entire chakra.

Core issues associated with the Root Chakra are often very deep rooted (😋) fears. Fear of abandonment for example, is a big one here, and that sucker can be triggered in so many different areas of our lives. You might find it beneficial to have a conversation (or 10) with a therapist. This chakra lays the groundwork for our lives. So don’t f*ck around. If you don’t feel safe to grow, to love, to be, then what are you honestly going to achieve?

Now, go grab yourself some Red Garnet, Black Tourmaline and maybe even some Hematite. Look in to a mirror and say the following affirmations;

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❤️✌️

WTF is a Chakra?!

Chakras. Energy. Universal Life Force. WTF?

Here’s your simple guide to chakras and how understanding these golden nuggets can help you heal your life. Trust me, it will change everything.

Before we even touch on the chakras we need to get a basic understanding of Energy. Remember Grade 10 Science? Nah, me either. Well basically it tells us that the entire universe is energy. The chair you’re sitting on, the tree outside your window, the clip in your hair, the clouds, that annoying dog that keeps barking… And You.

Energy = life force = universal matter = prana (that’s yoga speak). Gazillions of neurons bouncing off each other. It’s teeny weeny and it’s everywhere. There is absolutely no escaping it.

Humans are made up of this universal life force and chakras are the energy centres (some say spiritual power centres) inside of us. Basically they regulate our energy. Picture little wheels (which is actually the Sanskrit translation of “chakra”) in different areas of your body. They spin and spin and distribute the energy. There are 100+ chakras in our bodies, but we are simple humans so we focus mainly on 7. We start at the base of our spine and work the way up to the top of our heads.

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So the wheels turn in each of these 7 areas and distribute the energy throughout our bodies. Sometimes these wheels (the chakras) get blocked, spin too quickly or too slowly, or shut down completely. These have spiritual, emotional and physical impacts on us. When our chakras are balanced and the energy is free to move throughout our bodies we live a healthy and harmonious life. Rainbows and butterflies basically.

Don’t get too excited, no one can live on cloud 9 for long. Every day, several times a day, 1 or 7 of our chakras will become off balance. We carry too much crap for it to be any other way. The important thing is that we pay attention.

How Can Understanding Chakras Help Us Heal?

Anytime that we have a better understanding of what’s going on inside our bodies we have a greater chance of healing. Take a moment right now and focus your attention to your body. Close your eyes and feel the energy coursing through you. In which areas does the energy feel heavier? Blocked? Flowing freely? If the energy feels tight between your rib cage then you likely have some work to do with your Solar Plexus Chakra. Think about what’s been going on in your life. Is there something threatening your sense of belonging? Your personal identity? Have you been feeling less confident lately? Are you having issues digesting your meals?

Once you can understand chakras in general and then each chakra separately you can figure out exactly what needs to be addressed to bring yourself back to alignment and ultimately work towards healing. Working with your chakras can also be a preventative measure to avoid illness.

If you are curious, and just too darn lazy to try to figure it out yourself, have a practitioner do a Chakra Assessment and Balancing Technique for you.

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I really enjoy getting a Reiki session, or doing it on myself to figure out where I’m off balance. When I first started understanding the chakras, I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to join a course. I learned a Chakra Assessment and Balancing Technique and took Level 1 and 2 Reiki within one month. My body detoxed rather quickly and cleared old blockages so that the energy could move more freely.

But the real work is in addressing the core issues that are troubling us and throwing our chakras out of whack all the time. No matter how much we detox, if those core issues are still present we will always be dealing with stuck energy.

In my next few blogs ill go chakra by chakra and discuss what these issues are (spiritually, emotionally and physically) and how we can help to bring them back in to balance ✌️❤️

 

10 Things Turning 30 Has Taught Me

Birthdays – a time of year people celebrate with friends and family, receive gifts and get old. Also a time when we determine exactly what we should have achieved by our next birthday, and beat ourselves up for not having achieved what we set out to the year before. As my 31st birthday approaches I thought it would be appropriate to share with you some key tidbits from this past year – things turning 30 has taught me.

1. IT’S NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE

First off, turning 30 was a really big deal to me. It felt like 30 was the age that everything is supposed to come together – your career, your school loans are paid off, you’re married, you own a house and have kids running around and if not at least you’re pregnant. For most of us that is certainly not the case, nor does it need to be!

2. 30 IS A DEADLY TRAP OF COMPARISONS

As 30 approached last year I was terrified because I had none of these things. I found myself in the deadly trap of comparison. I saw other happy couples out walking their dogs and people from high school running successful businesses and I wanted to hate them. But instead I turned that frustration inward and started judging and resenting myself.

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3. 30 IS A MARKETING COMPANY’S WET DREAM

Here is a a woman who has just turned 30. She put a lot of pressure on herself to achieve things society told her she should have before her ass starts to sag and she is no longer appealing. Now she’s a woman who resents herself so much that she is willing to do anything – pay anything just to feel better. Que the infomercials and magazine ads.

4. YOU AREN’T A FAILURE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT “THRIVING” AT 30

I felt like a total failure because the perfect 30 life wasn’t mine. And then I felt even worse when what I had achieved (a career, an apartment and a relationship that I thought would last forever) all fell away at the drop of a hat when I was 30 and a half. Society wants me to be ashamed of that. To be ashamed that I’m not living a white picket fenced kind of lifestyle. That I’m not financially stable or married. That my boobs seem lower then they were when I was 29. That I have crows feet and laugh lines. Oh and grey hair! But I am not ashamed! Not of anything! In fact I am so empowered!

5. 30 IS THE NEW 20

I am a woman going in to her 31st year without her ducks in a row. I don’t have my shit together and I’m not afraid to admit that. How can anyone expect us to go to school, get a decent job, pay off loans, buy a house and get married in this day and age? The housing market is a disaster. We have to go to school for 30 years just to get an entry level position (exaggeration but you get the point). The expectations are unrealistic.

6. INTERNAL WORK IS THE ONLY JOB THAT WILL EVER REALLY MATTER

We work our asses off trying to get this perfect 9-5 job, but right now I am doing the hardest work there is to do. I am digging deeper internally and more feverishly, more fearlessly than most people will ever do in their lifetimes. The external stuff means nothing to me. People might look at me right now and think I need to get my priorities straight (even my parents, so don’t worry I don’t judge that comment – you’re entitled to think what you want) and although I appreciate your concern, I honestly don’t give a shit. If you’re feeling brave enough I invite you to drop your resume and embrace this job!

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7. 30 IS THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOURSELF FULLY

After living for 30 years you’ve likely gained some insight as to who you are, and what works or doesn’t work well with you. If you’re anything like me you’ve learned you’re garbage at setting boundaries and following your intuition. But 30 is the time to really get your ass in gear and start honouring this. You’re an adult. Stop wasting your time. Get to know yourself, and fully own everything about you.

8. BEING PROUD ISN’T A BAD THING

I am proud of the woman I am today, and the woman I am becoming. And I will not apologize for taking the time I need to work on myself internally. I am unapologetic in my pursuit of self discovery. And I wish the same for you too!

9. WE LIMIT OURSELVES UNINTENTIONALLY

As it turns out, turning 30 wasn’t a total waste of time. Once I stopped comparing myself to others and trying to conform to the “ideal”. Turning 30 completely changed my life. Open your mind to possibilities beyond what you’ve imagined your life to look like at 30. The Universe has something better planned. Open yourself to that now!

10. 31 IS EVEN BETTER

This year I am really looking forward to my birthday. I am so excited to turn 31. This is a new kind of a birthday for me. It represents the first birthday I’ve ever had as a woman in her power. As a woman embracing her age, her wisdom, her wildness, and her authenticity. I’m taking all of the lessons I’ve learned this year and jumping head first into the next.

Happy (almost) Birthday to Me! ✌️❤️😀

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Women’s Empowerment – The Future is Female 💖

Mother’s Day just passed so a Women’s Empowerment post seems appropriate. That seems so ridiculous tho – doesn’t it? Why the f*ck are we only posting about the badass women we know one day out of the year?!

Women are beautiful, intuitive, passionate, nurturing, wild, loving people and deserve to be celebrated every minute of every day!! We’ve lived so long in a world that celebrates the accomplishments of men, and quiets the voices of women – telling us were either “too little” or “too much”. And somewhere along the line we started to believe that! We started judging other women – our sisters – telling them to stop being slutty or bitchy or needy.

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This needs to end.

It’s time for women to lift each other up, to stop comparing, to start owning exactly who we are – The Powerful Badass Warrior Women, and among them are those who literally birthed every single human on this planet!!! And it’s time for men to recognize the divine feminine in each of us, and in themselves and empower women to shine as brightly as they possibly can.

So do one thing today – tell yourself or a woman you love, or a woman you don’t even know, how f*cking amazing they are! 😀❤️✌️

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8 Best Crystals for Healing and How to Use Them Every Day

One of the first things I started working with were crystals. Crystals for healing are incredibly useful. But how do crystals heal? Not only are they beautiful but they have such high vibrational properties that the moment you are aligned with them your own vibration starts to rise. Different crystals have different healing properties and the descriptions can be extensive. Luckily we don’t have to memorize everything we read about crystals. Often times it’s the one you are most drawn to that you need that day, or it can also be the one you are least drawn to and resisting. As with everything else in the realm of spirituality, let your intuition be your guide. Tune in to your body, your feelings, and just pick one or two or five. You literally can’t go wrong.

1. Citrine

Citrine is a great crystal for healing because of its self-expression properties. Citrine helps with self-esteem and self-image, it helps to assert personal will and facilitates new beginnings. Citrine is associated with the solar plexus chakra which encapsulates our relationship with ourself.

2. Amethyst

Amethyst is a wonderful crystal for healing symptoms of stress and anxiety. It is a calming stone, and it helps with insomnia and warding off nightmares. Amethyst comes from the Greek word amethystos which means “not drunken” and has been known to support those dealing with addictions. It is associated with the crown chakra which is a direct reflection of your spiritual connection.

3. Sodalite

Sodalite is a very effective crystal for those who experience mood swings. Its vibration helps to balance out emotions and instill a sense of calm. Sodalite also activates the throat chakra, making it easier to communicate effectively and speak your personal truth. Sodalite helps you to connect with your intuition making you more aware of what your body/mind/spirit needs in this moment to heal itself.

4. Aquamarine

Aquamarine is an important crystal for anyone who experiences anxiety or fear. It is calming, soothing and promoted courage. Aquamarine helps us to heal by aligning and balancing each of our chakras. Aquamarine supports manifestation and protection.

5. Rose Quartz

Everyone knows Rose Quartz for its loving healing properties. It is the crystal of unconditional love, compassion and kindness. It promotes emotional healing, especially after a break up or a death of a loved one. Rose Quartz helps you to give and receive the love that you are so deserving of. It also brings a sense of calm, peace, and joy to your life.

6. Pyrite

Pyrite is a great protection crystal, meaning that it will block negative energy from entering your aura. It is grounding, and offers support around manifestation and inspiration. Pyrite will enhance your will so that it’s easier to make it through troubling times in our lives. It promotes good physical health. Pyrite is a good crystal to use if you need the motivation and follow through to accomplish health related goals.

7. Lepidolite

Lepidolite is known as the “stone of transition”. It helps to induce change from old behavioural patterns or attitudes that are no longer serving your higher purpose. Lepidolite brings deep emotional healing, so it supports with symptoms of stress and depression. It can also be used to support recovery from illness, such as addiction. It brings independence, trust and self-love.

8. Turquoise

Last, but certainly not least is Turquoise, aka the “master healer”. Turquoise can be used to balance and realign any chakra. For centuries it has been known as the crystal that connects heaven and earth. It has an incredibly high vibration of love and offers a calm and soothing experience to any one who uses it.

How to use crystals on a daily basis…

I have a beautiful display of crystals on my altar, and at first that’s where they stayed. I had no idea how to actually use them for anything, I just knew I wanted them, and I felt really good when I was around them. Here’s a few ways I have learned to use them on a daily basis;

  • Prescriptions: Google it! There are prescriptions for self confidence, for overcoming fear, for attracting abundance, for love. Literally for everything you can think of. I used one once for a tummy ache and after 3 days of upset stomach I was relieved… for a few hours. But those few hours were heavenly!
  • Meditations: Crystals will enhance meditations ten fold. Sit with a crystal that it is connected to the crown chakra on your lap, or in front of you while you meditate. The vibration from the crystal will support the opening of your crown and facilitate the connection of higher self.
  • Manifesting: stones like Aquamarine who are linked to manifestation can be held when you are speaking affirmations to help with manifesting them into reality. If you hold a Turquoise and say “I am healed” you better expect some serious healing energy coming your way!
  • Put a crystal in your pocket to help bring you whatever kind of energy you need throughout the day.
  • Lay down or sit for a few minutes – kick your feet up, you deserve it! And place a crystal (or 7) on the corresponding chakra to help the energy flow. Visualize the crystal sending rays of coloured energy in through your chakra. This will help to balance and align that chakra.
  • Place them strategically around your house. Amethyst on your bedside table or under a pillow, or Citrine in the financial corner to attract prosperity (the furthest corner to the left from your front door).

So next time you are debating whether or not you need to get that crystal, don’t pick the one you think is prettiest. Pick the one you are being pulled towards, or if you’re brave the one you are totally repelled by. You will be surprised the difference it makes when you are working with a crystal that is totally meant for you.

Another fun idea is to bring a child with you shopping. Ask them to pick the best crystal for healing, specifically for you. Children are incredibly intuitive and will often pick the exact one you need. And remember you cannot make a mistake here, the only thing holding you back is you ❤✌

I Let My Soul Explore 🌹

I left today,

On a journey I planned a long time ago.

I left without needing approval

I left without fear.

Alone I felt powerful.

People wouldn’t know,

The strength it took to get out of bed

The pills and pain I had to swallow.

People don’t know.

How hard it is to listen,

How hard it is to talk,

How hard it is.

I took one step

And then seven

And slowly synchronicity surrounded.

I started following the pulls.

I’m here now,

I’m adventuring,

I’m listening to my soul, feeding it,

The soul I lost for so long.

Through the fire.

Through the burnout.

It was waiting,

To explore, to awaken.


I’m not a poet by any means, but I wrote this today, as a representation of my journal entries for the two weeks following my break up. It just felt right to express it in this way.

In that time I had given my 60 days notice, I had asked my parents about moving back in with them (not my most empowering moment) and I planned an escape. I packed my bag for 10 days, and decided I would go with the flow. I didn’t have any money, I wasn’t allowed to leave the country as I was still on a leave from work and I had literally no patience being around people. My doctor had recently started me on antidepressants, and the effects were minimal at this point.

My cousin, who I only see at Christmas, had graciously offered me a bed at her house in a city that I used to love, so I started there. I made a conscious decision to say Yes – to follow the universe, to be guided, to show up to MY life, for me. And things started to happen. Little things, big things, wild things – they all just started happening. I so randomly bumped in to my best friends from 10 years earlier, and even after all that time had passed, they still felt like home. The synchronicity of this experience had me dumbfounded. The universe was starting to bring me back to me, the real, core, true me. I was starting to feel inspired, and alive in a different way than I ever had before.

For the first time in a very, very long time I followed my heart. I allowed my soul to explore. I asked myself – what do I want to do right now – and then I would do it! What do I want to eat – and I would eat it! I sat by the lake and felt the crisp wind on my face. I went in to a year round costume shop and tried on Victorian ballgowns (so fun(ny). I navigated a museum of nature and found an entire floor of crystals. I attended a spiritual service and did a beautiful meditation. I let my body dance intuitively at a concert in another province. I went to see a movie and gorged on my favourite soft pretzels. Because come on! They’re amazing!

It seems so simple, but if you actually look at your day to day life, how often can you really say you do this? Without feeling guilty? Without seeking approval? Without being embarrassed? Without planning out every detail?

It was during this little mini adventure that I knew I would be living my life differently from now on. I set the intention that, as best as I could, I was going to listen to my soul.

Expose your soul, feel it deeply. Let it guide you, let it explore! ❤️✌️

Process Those Emotions Through Your Heart

I surprised myself after the break up. I hadn’t really cried. I was sad, and I was mad. But I dealt with these things as I normally do, I let them go, brushed them off. I let them go because I refused to let them impact my spiritual progress (little did I know that was doing the opposite). I wondered if this was normal. If it was too simple. If it was even addressing the issue. I asked my therapist if I was dealing with things properly…

This question turned in to a long conversation about processing emotions. And even after I went home I opened up my Instagram and it seemed that every other post on my feed was speaking to me about this. Go figure we’re all human.

Here’s five general points that sat well with me, and still do…

1) Throughout our lives we create blockages in our bodies with the energy from feelings that have not been processed. These turn in to impressions (beliefs about ourselves or others) which can get stimulated by events, people, “triggers” essentially, and end up creating fears, negative feelings of self doubt etc…

2) When we encounter a new event that causes emotions to arise, and we need to keep our heart open, so not to create another blockage (because no one wants a blockage!). We have to allow the emotion to work it’s way through our bodies, and channel directly through our heart centres (be it sadness, anger, disappointment, worry etc…).

3) It can be a painful process, frankly it hurts like hell and feels like you’re going to drown in a puddle of tears, and it is necessary. How many times have you “dealt” with your feelings around something just to see the same thing pop up again and again and again? The more we try to suppress our feelings, distract ourselves by saying we’ll deal with it another day, the harder it gets to actually process it effectively. And when it already hurts like hell you don’t want to make it any worse.

4) There is a huge difference between allowing emotions or feelings to channel through your heart, and sitting in your shit. I tell myself it is completely healthy and okay to sit in “victim-mode” and grieve for a certain amount of time – be it an hour, or a day depending on the level of emotion I’m feeling – and then that’s it. I release it. I refuse to let that emotion or thought bog me down any longer. I refuse to become it. I refuse to become the thoughts that arise from the emotion. That’s just plain toxic.

5) Processed or – even better- released emotions can become powerful motivators for positive change. Instead of being stuck in a never ending cycle of bullshit, process your emotions, allow them to channel through you. With this experience of purification, and releasing of blockages you open yourself up to the universal flow of energy. This is when the healing takes place. When we allow the energy to travel to our heart, our soul is there to meet it, and our soul holds the answers.

So how do you do this? I sat in my basement apartment, locked the door, grabbed a tea and I started writing. I sat with myself for hours, and I wrote and cried, and wrote mean things (which I later burnt) and cried, and wrote all of the feelings I was ashamed to admit and cried some more. I called my mom and was grateful that she created space for me to continue crying, to vent, and then to be comforted. I asked her to tell me everything would be okay. I knew in my heart that it would be (that’s the key to not sitting in your shit) but I needed her to say it.

Essentially I gave myself permission to feel. To REALLY FEEL.

****There may be some of you reading this that don’t feel safe allowing yourself to fully feel, and please know that’s ok. Maybe its not time yet, or maybe you can talk to someone about how to create a safe space for you to do this.

It’s important to find a way that works specifically for you. It will look different for everyone. Maybe you need to listen to sappy love songs, or loud screamer songs. Maybe you need to go to a rage room, or just call a close friend that allows you to vent fully without judgment. Maybe you need to do some painting, or go sit near the lake. Whatever it looks like, when the tears start flowin, DON’T STOP THEM! Allow them – give yourself permission to feel them. Pay attention to how the energy feels making it’s way through your body, and in to your heart. Once it’s in your heart your soul will know when it’s ready to be released ❤✌

Accept Your Gut: The Difference Between Intuition, Ego, Logic 🤔🤷

Usually I’m really strong when it comes to break ups. Yes, I have a tendency of giving people too many chances, but I am no doormat ok? This particular relationship tho had me questioning everything when it ended. I could not for the life of me decipher between my intuition, my ego and my logical mind. What is the difference between them?

Something inside me longed to be chosen, to be loved. Something else knew the relationship was over, that I deserved better, that there was a higher calling at play. Another part of me knew I could never trust her again. Knew that if I took the steps of telling my parents and friends, giving my 60 days notice at the apartment, that I wouldn’t go back on it. Or maybe I would? What if this was just a hiccup and we were actually meant to be? Was it a sign that she called just as I was writing that I’m letting go? A sign that I’m not supposed to let go? Or that I should? Or was it a test – are you really letting go or not, lets see if you answer this phone call. And obviously I answered it.


So how do we know when it’s our Intuition?

Intuition is always serving your higher purpose. It is an inner knowing, a gut feeling that comes suddenly and without any emotion or reasoning attached. Its objective and part of your higher intelligence. Some people hear their intuition, some people feel it in their heart. Intuition is just one of the ways in which I will receive spiritual guidance. I interchange intuition with heart wisdom and I believe that my angels and spirit guides will relay messages in this way.

When I’m receiving these intuitive, spiritual messages they are always loving, kind and encouraging. They are also very calming, like the instant knowing that I had that everything would be okay, that this was all happening for a reason if I could just look at the bigger picture. I will also receive signs that are perhaps better viewed as tests, and they are only there to guide me to my higher purpose. When I receive those tests I know when my intuition is screaming – like with the phone calls – Don’t Answer It!! But my ego takes over and before I know it the green button is hit.

How do we know when its our Ego?

Ego plays on your fear and anxiety. Its driven by attachment and insecurities, and often tells you you aren’t good enough for something, or that you’re going to fail. Your ego used to be there to help you, protect you but we’ve built up so many impressions throughout our lives that the ego becomes muddled and starts to over-exert its power over us, often proving to be demeaning and downright rude. Ego is built up of different archetypes and will use all of them to deter you. The ego has seen every moment you entered your shadow side, it remembers that and tries to ensure you don’t go back there, however this often prevents you from even attempting to follow the lighter side because its so fearful that you might fail.

My ego fought hard against my intuition and my logical mind every step of the way. And at times I actually understood its foolishness. I truly believed that I would marry this person, so as much as my gut told me it was over, this fairytale lived on in my ego. It told me that I wasn’t going to find any one who loved me as much. It told me I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions like ending the relationship.

How do we know when it’s our Logical Mind?

A logical thought requires reasoning. The logical mind is objective and thinks critically about situations. It is not associated with feelings or any emotional pull. Logic helps you to draw a conclusion, find truth and make decisions by using evidence; examples, facts, and even assumptions. Logic is a left brain function, opposite to creativity, imagination, emotion and intuition.

My logical mind would have been telling me that when someone cheats on you twice, it’s highly likely they’ll do it again. It also told me to give 60 days notice knowing that I couldn’t afford rent on my own. It’s smart, but when there is no feelings or emotion involved it can be rather monotonous. Still, its important to notice the differences between logic, and ego and intuition. It is easy to mistake your logical mind for either of the latter.


Um yeah – so there’s a lot that goes on in this little head of mine. It’s not always pretty and I often feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions all at once. This still happens, and I think it always will. But when I really want to know which way to go I sit for a moment (or however long it takes) in silence and I feel. What is my heart saying? What does my gut feel? What was my intuitive response? I dont always get a definitive answer, and when I do I dont always follow it. But it is getting a heck of a lot easier for me to notice when I’m pushing against the grain. And when I’m not.

When I feel myself aligning with the universe there is no need to look back and question things. This is when you know that it’s time to finally give yourself permission to rise. Time to thank your ego and logic for their contribution and push them aside in favour of your intuition, your heart centre. ❤✌

Are you an Empath? An Earth Angel? A Light Worker?

Who am I? What’s my purpose? The hardest questions that we’ve ever had to answer. Sometimes I think we only try to answer these questions when we are vibrating incredibly low (like after a break up, or major life trauma), which makes it even more difficult to address. Like Who TF am I? I have no idea! You tell me! And then the cycle starts of allowing other people to determine who we are.

It’s time for each of us to take that power back. We, and only we determine who we are, and what were supposed to do. Yes, like me, you may believe that parts of who you are were predetermined before you were born, but essentially you get to choose whether you engage with that aspect of Self.

I struggled with this at the beginning of this journey (and still do sometimes) because when you open yourself up spiritually there are SO many different gifts, titles, types that can guide you to your soul’s purpose on this earth.

Are you an Empath? a Yogi? A Goddess? A Hippie? An Earth Angel? A Light Worker? An Energy Healer? A Witch? A Teacher? A Spiritual Advisor? A Bohemian? A Guru? A Wanderer? A Psychic? An Intuitive Counsellor? A Clairvoyant? A Medium? A Wild Woman? A Shaman? A Medicine Man?

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In the last 6 months I have opened myself up to the possibility, and explored several of these concepts. I’ll keep it at 3 for now, as these 3 were the eye-opening names I needed to see. Keep in mind that this is a snippet of what I’ve come to learn about this incredibly vast world of purpose. So please comment below, add what you feel drawn to add, or correct me if Google wronged me.

Empath

I was already familiar with the idea of being an empath. A strong sense of empathy is required to work with vulnerable people (including social work – me), so I find that a lot of people in helping professions tend to land on the spectrum of highly sensitive people and empaths. An empath is someone who deeply feels the emotions and energies of other people around them. Empaths will absorb energy from people and environments, and can actually feel the pain other people are experiencing, or have experienced just from hearing their stories. This makes us extremely sensitive and usually quite adverse to being in huge crowds.

This is why the terms “self-care” and “boundaries” are used alllllll the time in social work. And why burnout, compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma are so prevalent. I believe that empaths can be incredible in helping professions (because they have an innate ability to connect with individuals) if they are aware of the impact energy has on them, and are able to set very strong boundaries and participate in heavy self-care rituals. Unfortunately, I was doing these things, but only to a certain extent and that ruined me (or so I thought).

At the time I came to realize that my burnout – my crash – was actually a spiritual calling, I began researching my soul’s purpose. Google was so helpful.

Initially I took a quiz in Emma Mildon’s book The Soul Seacher’s Handbook. I ended up being right on the line in between Earth Angel and Light Worker, both of which resonated nicely in my heart centre.

Earth Angel

Earth Angels are spiritual beings that are born to the earth, and called at a soul level to help humanity. They are “programmed” in a sense – to awaken to their true purpose through different life events. Earth Angels are not used to taking on physical form, as they have lived previously on the psychic and spirituals planes. They are here to help and to inspire others, and teach the message of light, love and peace. Earth Angels are on earth to help raise the vibration of the collective.

Light Worker

Light Workers are healers whose main purpose is to help others find their light. Light Workers hold space for others to be healed through the universal life force energy. They have often experienced their own crises in life and can acknowledge their shadow side. They have been “recharged” through a strong spiritual awakening. A Light Workers may also be called an Energy Healers or a Reiki Practitioners.


Sooo that’s where I started. Was I going around telling everyone that I’m an Earth Angel? Absolutely not. But I was inspired and I started exploring my intuition, my “abilities” if you will. I was reading about the spiritual realms and how I could connect with my true purpose. The answers that continued to be shown to me were to meditate daily, to use crystals regularly, to ask for guidance and to explore different divination tools (like pendulums or tarot cards). And to pray, or at least talk to my angels if “praying” doesn’t sit well with you – although if you are here reading about spirituality and universal energy, praying shouldn’t be what stands out as weird to you.

Every day I asked how I could serve for my higher purpose. How I could step in to my purpose and shine like I felt I needed to. I asked to be guided, shown, activated – whatever! I begged for this. And then I always said Thank you. Always.

I had some really intense spiritual moments when I begged like this. One time when I asked what my purpose was I heard “to teach”, and when I asked what I heard “about me”. Another time I pulled cards and out dropped “Workshops and Seminars” and “You are a Powerful Light Worker”. I cried… A lot. As I learn more about myself, I find my purpose shifts a little and as long as I keep going back to asking for that guidance and reassurance that I’m on the right path I am totally okay with that.

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If I can offer any advice, even as a new journeyor, don’t get caught up in the labels. They were helpful to me at the beginning because it gave me direction, it helped me to understand that I wasn’t the only person going through this. Do your research, find people that inspire you but remember this is your journey. You can be/do whatever you need to. Whatever you feel drawn to. You may have gifts that have yet to be discovered. Let spirit show you where you need to be. Your potential is endless. ✌️💖

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 3 🦄✨

Thank you Bittermarshmellos (link below) for nominating me for this challenge!! Below are the rules and my nominations for today.

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DAY 3 QUOTE:

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That’s it. Plain and simple. I don’t owe you an explanation. I have finally gotten to a point where I can love myself enough to say that 💖💖

Ever since I can remember I have dulled my sparkle to fit in to other people’s lives – to their perfect little boxes. I have dated people that have tried to outshine or extinguish my sparkle. I have had friends who have been intimated by my sparkle, and so I hid it.

I’ve been scared to shine because I might lose you. But that fear is gone.

If anyone in your life is making it uncomfortable for you to grow then they do not belong there. If there are people who don’t support, or are embarrassed by your fucking sparkle tell them to hit the road! Those are not your people anymore.

Your people are the ones who empower you, who encourage you, who challenge you to become better. Your people are cheerleaders, even when they don’t understand what they’re cheering for. They’re your sisters, your tribe. They’re the faceless wonders who like your blog. They’re the ones who lift you up, who fill you up! They’re the ones who clap for you when you say “because I fucking sparkle, that’s why” ❤️✌️


 

Rules for the challenge are :

1. Thank the person who have nominated you for the challenge.

2. Post 3 quotes (1 for each day) for 3 days consecutively.

3. Nominate three more bloggers for the same challenge each day.

Today’s Nominations:

✨Jessica – PersonalGrowth&Success

https://personalgrowthsuccessblog.com

✨Dear Kiwanna

https://dearkiwanna.com

✨Ashleyleia

https://mentalhealthathome.wordpress.com

3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 2 🙌💖

Thank you Bittermarshmellos (link below) for nominating me for this challenge!! Below are the rules and my nominations for today.

https://bittermarshmellos.wordpress.com

DAY 2 QUOTE:

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This quote comes from a poem by Maya Angelou. To read the whole poem, which I highly suggest you do, visit the link below. There is a biography for Ms. Angelou as well.

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/still-i-rise

This poem has meant a lot to me throughout this journey. I actually plan to have “still I rise” tattooed on me at the end of this month. It exudes confidence with such force, and demonstrates the value that we need to find within ourselves.  Despite judgments and opinions, she’s still going to rise. Are you? You will shine too bright for some, and you will find that people will try to blow out your flames to keep you down. But you can still rise up!

I believe she’s not only referring to the external forces that try to drive my bus, but also my ego, my inner critic and my saboteur. These suckers are strong. They fight me each and every day to stop this awakening, this transformation within me. They want to “protect” me, or at least years ago they did, but I’ve built them up with so much self doubt that they are huge obstacles to any kind of success now. But that’s just it – they’re only obstacles. Obstacles that, with commitment and hard work, can be overcome. Let go of fear, and rise!

My favourite part of this poem is at the very end,

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For those before me that couldn’t speak for fear of being killed. For those that didn’t make it through the dark tunnel of depression. For those who weren’t allowed to shine. I rise.

✌️❤️

Rules for the challenge are :

1. Thank the person who have nominated you for the challenge.

2. Post 3 quotes (1 for each day) for 3 days consecutively.

3. Nominate three more bloggers for the same challenge each day.

Today’s Nominations:

✨Widdershins Worlds

https://widdershinsfirst.com

✨emmalh

https://babyimbored.net

✨MagickMermaid

https://magickmermaid.wordpress.com

A Lonely Journey Towards Awakening – Where’s My Tribe?

I was told right off the hop that this journey would be a lonely one. I knew it would be, but I never expected what was coming.

I was grieving the loss of my relationship, I was trying to push through years worth of burnout and compassion fatigue to try and rebuild relationships with my family and friends, and I was drawn to things spiritually that most people pass judgment about instantly. It was hard for me to be around anyone for longer than 20 mins without feeling completely drained, but I forced myself to call at least one person per day and have a real conversation with them.

I have two friends that I could talk to about my journey. Everyone else I felt judged or misunderstood. I’m sure this had a lot to do with the fact that I barely understood what was awakening in me, and pieces of my ego were still making judgments about it.

My friends, and even my dad, are still willing to listen without judgment and entertain my desire to do card readings or reiki. My friends love crystals and even attempt meditating from time to time. They are as supportive as they can be of my journey, without actually going through it themselves. And they have absolutely no idea how deeply meaningful that is ❤❤

And this is where my heart knows that something is still missing. Whatever it is I’m going through – an awakening, a calling, divine purpose – I feel like I need people who are also going through it. People I can talk to about phases of the moon, the rising of the feminine, the law of attraction, frequency and vibrations of crystals, energy in all its forms, She… Someone who hears the word “witch” and doesn’t instantly want to run in fear of me casting spells against them. I need these people to lead me, to resonate with me, to inspire me. There is something bubbling so intensely on my surface and I dont know how to release it.

As much as people are awakening and this new-age spirituality is taking different forms and gaining a much larger following, it is still very difficult to find those people. To create a tribe of soul sisters, of moon goddesses, of gypsy spirits.

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It makes me wonder if most people are (like me) still hiding in what Rebecca Campbell calls their “spiritual closet”. In her book Rise Sister Rise, Campbell talks about this spiritual closet we hide out in, in order to protect our sacred beliefs. But she says;

“we must not waste our time hiding parts of who we are from the world around us. It is our weirdness, our secret passions, our deepest beliefs that make us who we are. Come out of whatever closet you are in”.

One of my wishes in creating this blog was to communicate with like-minded women and men who feel the energy shifting in the world, who feel the entirety of their core changing.

My other wish is two fold; that I could help people understand and have less judgment towards a spiritual calling, and even perhaps inspire those who are just starting their journey as I did a few months ago.

This journey is lonely in one way – but it is undeniably the most soul-filling feeling of connection that I’ve ever experienced. ✌❤

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3 Day Quote Challenge – Day 1 😀❤️

Thank you Bittermarshmellos (link below) for nominating me for this challenge!! Below are the rules and my nominations for today.

https://bittermarshmellos.wordpress.com

DAY 1 QUOTE:

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I went to see Amy Schumer’s new movie “I Feel Pretty” last night and this quote really resonates with the message I received sitting in that theatre arm deep in buttery popcorn. Self confidence IS a super power. I found myself admiring Amy and how she carried herself so confidently despite what other people may have judged about her. She strutted around like she owned the world, she wasn’t intimidated or anxious about anything she just owned it! There’s a message in the movie about how our child selves would walk around with our bellies out and wouldn’t care at all about what other people thought. Not that we all need to be half naked all the time, but we should be so in love with ourselves that we pay no mind to other opinions. And that is when the magic happens. The magic she exuded jumped off the screen and really inspired me to look closely at how I carry myself.

❤️✌️

Rules for the challenge are :

1. Thank the person who have nominated you for the challenge.

2. Post 3 quotes (1 for each day) for 3 days consecutively.

3. Nominate three more bloggers for the same challenge each day.

Today’s Nominations:

✨Jen Kennedy

https://shithappens.blog

✨Karissa Poulton

https://herewegrowagainblog.wordpress.com

✨E.

https://onegratefulthought.wordpress.com

 

 

It’s “Just” Reiki 🙄🙌

Spiritually Guided Life Force Energy aka Reiki, is a healing technique that uses energy. I always felt attracted to Reiki but it just came off as a little “too quacky” for me. And that’s totally understandable considering I wasn’t open to the concept of “energy” until now. My ex was in to it tho so I bought two sessions (one for me, one for her) through Groupon. When things ended between us, naturally I wanted to go by myself just to prove I could. So I booked an appointment for the next day.

“It made me nervous being there – like I already felt a loss of control. I felt like there was a possibility that I was going to connect so deeply that I would either throw up or pass out. I wonder tho if that’s even possible – like of all the humans in the world, what makes me think that I would be that divinely connected that I might literally lift off the table or explode in to light. It’s just Reiki”.

– journal entry Jan 2018

Turns out “just” Reiki ended up actually doing a real number on me. I felt like I was floating for an hour, which for someone with serious control issues is terrifying. I was lightheaded and tingly the whole time. And I left there thinking I was never doing that again (HA! said the angels… yeah right).

The lady I went to see remained quiet throughout the session and shared her insights with me after. She said she saw a lot of red which she related to my root chakra and a feeling of insecurity. She also told me I was an empath (this was fairly obvious from the conversation we had prior to the session). And then she tried to sell me on Homeopathy. I’m not sure if it was her approach that threw me off, or just because I wasn’t in a great headspace but I never returned.

I ended up meeting a girl at a Mind Body Spirit store and started getting Reiki on a biweekly basis. She’s intuitive, and shares her insights throughout the session. I still get tingly and lightheaded but I’ve learned some grounding techniques to help with this. I walk away from each session feeling inspired, carefree and lighter.

Reiki really propelled my spiritual journey in to high gear. I ended up taking my First Degree and Second Degree Reiki courses and received the attunements from another practitioner at this store. So much for never wanting to do Reiki again.

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There are so many benefits to receiving a session but I’ll just list some;

  1. Releases and clears blockages
  2. Cleanses body of toxins
  3. Balances chakras and energies
  4. Supports the body’s natural ability to heal
  5. Enhances intuition and spiritual awareness
  6. Promotes positive qualities of love, care, trust, compassion.

When the practitioner shares her insights with me it reaffirms that I’m on the right path. She delivers messages from my angels and offers some guidance around problems I’m experiencing. Some people may not appreciate conversation throughout the session, but for me I find this extremely beneficial to my spiritual growth.

As with other healing modalities, Reiki practitioners will have their own style, so just make sure you find someone that you can connect with. It tends to be a very vulnerable treatment. Some people laugh hysterically, others cry and it can also happen that nothing happens. And then in a few days you find yourself  balling your eyes out into a tub full of ice cream. It’s all about releasing those stuck emotions and there’s no right or wrong way about that.

Just remember there is more to Reiki than just going and laying on a table while someone barely touches you. It includes an active commitment from you in order for you to experience the full benefits. You need to make a conscious decision to improve yourself and your life. You need to be open and accepting of Reiki energy and all that it can offer. You need to be willing to let go of past impressions and excess baggage and allow your chakras to balance and negative energy to be cleared.

Maybe this all sounds a little daunting but if you are anywhere near the boat I was in while it was sinking you’re willing to try anything. Reiki is a great place to start ❤️✌️

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Self ❤ Love: The Greatest🖕Middle Finger

When you cheated I was angry. I was hurt. I was heartbroken.

It’s incredible how one persons’ choice can turn your entire life upside down in one moment. In just one choice – one action – everything changes.

The initial reaction, the most comfortable reaction for our ego is anger. I was lied to, betrayed. I felt used. I was mad because I trusted them. I thought I knew them. I was even more mad at myself for letting someone get close enough to cause this pain, for giving them all of this power. I felt stupid and confused.

I questioned my value, and whether I was even worth being loved. I compared myself to her, to everyone. What had I done to make her look elsewhere? Where did I go wrong as a girlfriend? Why wasn’t I enough?

I was incredibly heartbroken, and lonely. With one choice, one action, I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my travel partner, my date, my rock. I was stripped, of everything, including the future I had expected.

I know deep down that this person wanted to love me. But I realized that they didn’t know how – they couldn’t. If they wanted to, they could have learned, changed, grew. But the universe knew that wasn’t meant to be. I realized they were never actually mine, and the fact that they couldn’t love me the way I expected them to was never in my control.

I could finally breathe.


I was grateful. I was hopeful.

And then, my mind silenced long enough to be grateful. I was grateful that this person chose me and loved me as deep as they could for almost five years. I was grateful that we had a lot of really awesome memories together. I was grateful that she introduced me to sober living. I was grateful that she encouraged and respected my spiritual growth. This was the most valuable gift anyone could have given me.

And I was grateful the relationship ended when it did, and the way it did.

I was hopeful because my eyes were open, and I had awakened. I was hopeful because this was the beginning of something beautiful and I could feel that. I felt it very strongly.


I was becoming…

On this day I knew I was moving in the direction of unapologetically loving myself. I took a big swig of that self love juice! I could take responsibility for my wrongs in the relationship, and I could be humble enough to recognize that it’s possible she stopped loving me without throwing a pity party or compromising my self worth.

I realized that sitting with all of these feelings is exactly what I needed to do. Allowing every feeling – even the desperately uncomfortable ones – to pass through my heart was crucial to my journey of self discovery, of soul searching and of self love. And it sucked. A LOT!

But….

Every day I get stronger.

My ex told me shortly after this that she felt like a pawn in my spiritual journey. That she felt like she was placed in my life to lead me somewhere, and then she was no longer necessary. And I believe there is truth to that. Relationships are in our lives for a reason, and when they have drawn their course they are removed. Trust the universe when a door closes, although it may hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before, it may actually be the best thing that’s ever happened for you. ✌❤

Tarot Told Me To Leave My Partner

The first time I bought cards it was this Tarot Basics box. I was starting fresh – total newbie, purchasing a how-to book on top of that, as I didn’t know the box would come with a learning guide. I was a little messy at the time too ok? Don’t judge.

It had been about a month since I started a disability leave at work, and since my partner had cheated. She and I had just celebrated a rather awkward Christmas and New Years with our families and had decided on New Years day that it was best if she stayed with her parents for a day or two. My understanding was that she was going to figure out if she could actually commit to me. That’s how much I allowed other people to determine my path. She cheated, and I asked her to figure out if she could commit 🤔. We humans are a little loopy.

Anyways, she had been there two days so far and, it was a Wednesday (hump day – go figure – you’ll get the idea), I decided that I was going to treat myself to a new book and some sushi. I ended up in the New Age section at Chapters – all oogley eyed and inspired -and came across these Tarot cards. I figured it would be a fun way to entertain myself until my partner returned home (I told you I was messy). I also found Emma Mildon’s “The Soul Searchers Handbook”. It brought tears to my eyes! This was exactly the type of guide I was looking for.

Last night I did everything I was supposed to. I cleansed (or cleared) the cards, I consecrated them with my energy, I held them to my heart and bestowed blessings and intentions and I did a reading. I chose The Oracle Spread.

 

The Oracle Spread is 3 cards. The left card is the present problem, the middle card is the way out, and the third card (on the right obviously) is the future if you are prepared to follow that path. I asked a pretty basic question about what to do with my relationship and literally everything screamed RUN! 

 

  1. Present Problem: a farewell. Great danger of being sold short or cast as an extra. Current issue demands a lot of effort – putting down inner roots in order to scale greater heights in outward life.
  2. Way Out: end of a journey or eternal repetition or vicious cycle. Discover your personal values and what is truly essential for you.
  3. The Future: rebirth. Bury what is dead and be open to receive what is to come. Learn to forgive without forgetting. Draw the line.

-journal entry Jan 2018

I didn’t trust them, or maybe I did, and I just refused to follow through with the guidance. You see, at this point I knew deep down that my relationship was over. But I wasn’t quite ready to give up the fairy tale I had created in my mind. So much of reading cards is intuition. I knew what these cards were telling me right away and I chose to ignore them. I wasn’t quite ready to make such a big decision for myself. So I allowed my mind to race through all the possibilities of becoming a stronger couple, of being fought for and adored wholeheartedly. But it didn’t feel natural.

I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried for a sign – any sign – of what to do.  Not even five minutes later I found out that my partner had cheated again. While I was doing my card reading, she was “reading” someone else… if you know what I mean 😉 Now, this is not intended to make my ex out to be a terrible person – she isn’t. She was struggling just as I was. Though I don’t agree with the way in which things ended, I do believe they were meant to end between us. And maybe this was the only way my stubborn ass would let go of the fairy tale. I had fought against the universe for awhile. And I’ve heard it a few times that the universe will show you gentle sings, if you don’t listen they’ll give you a little nudge, or two, and if you still don’t listen you will get a good smack. I got smacked.

And back to the actual point… my first experience with Tarot was incredibly accurate, and that hasn’t changed since!! It continues to get stronger as I become familiar with the cards, and as I choose decks that I am drawn to. I have had some really cool experiences where I end up in a puddle of tears because I am so mesmerized. The cards never cease to bring me hope, validation and encouragement. Sometimes they knock me down a peg or two, but to me its like a best friend telling you the raw, hard truth, even though you don’t want to hear it. The divine messages that come through these cards are only meant to lead you to your highest good.

I really like keeping a diary of my readings because there are times I still rebel against them and choose not to listen. When I find myself wondering where things went wrong I can look back in my diary and see that it was me pushing against the grain again, and not following the guidance the universe provides. Essentially these readings allow my trust in the universe to grow, and my trust in my own intuition ❤️✌️


🌸 Spreads I Enjoy 🌸

  • I like the spread Tiffany Maloney discussed a few years ago in this blog;

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18172/how-to-do-a-basic-tarot-reading-for-yourself-or-a-friend.html

  • And here are a few of my favourite spreads I found on Pinterest;

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Free Spirit? or just “Too Weird”?

At what point did being different become a bad thing? 

At what point did we start to believe there was no magic in the world, that unicorns and mermaids don’t exist?

At what point did we start judging people for interests different than our own? Or worse yet, judging and persecuting ourselves for having interests beyond the norm…  Like crystals? Or dream catchers? Or even fortune tellers?

At what point did we start to believe witches were scary? And angels weren’t real?

At what point did “free spirit” turn in to “too weird”?

There is a point when all of this happens – when we are asked to stop being an intuitive, curious and carefree child and we start to turn away from our true selves. We start judging ourselves, and carry judgment for others.  Inevitably we push away so many things that we are designed to love – designed to bring us to our higher purpose.

But why? Why is being authentically ourselves so difficult to do once we hit a certain age? Fear.

I’ve noticed that the things that have stayed in my mind, the things I’ve pushed down so hard from a young age, are the things that I’m most reluctant to now, BUT they are also the things I am getting the most healing from. Like crystal shops, the new age section in the bookstore, Reiki…

I had been so drawn to these things from a very young age. I pushed them away because they were too “out there” for me. In the last few months its as if my body started screaming for them, and when I caved (and pushed aside any fears) I used these things to heal, and I continue to do so.

So think about it? What (where/who) is something you’ve been feeling pulled towards lately that you are reluctant to pursue? Is there any connection from your childhood? And why haven’t you just done it yet??

Follow what you are drawn to, despite judgment, despite fear. Maintain a curious, intuitive and carefree attitude. It could change your life ❤️✌️

8 Ways to Speak to Angels

16 days after I started my journey I was introduced to the concept of Angels. I signed up for a meditation at a salt cave – incredible experience, highly recommend it! For one of the meditations Darota – the facilitator who is also a Medium, had us walking through an Amethyst cave with 2 Archangels, Michael and Raphael. When the meditation was over Darota read each of us.

“For me she started off by saying I am very connected to the Divine – that I get messages from Angels daily. She said the Angels want me to start asking for guidance instead of making up my own mind and jumping from this to that all the time. She wasn’t wrong on that – my head has been everywhere the past few days. She told me the Angels know where I’m supposed to be but they are hesitant to tell me because I will jump on it, and they need to know that I will be able to trust the journey”.

– journal entry Dec 2017.

After this meditation I bought a book called “Angels and other Mysteries of the Tree of Life” by Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov. I really connected with what he had to say about God. He says how crazy we are as humans to think that God actually comes to talk to us personally. He explains that God is raw energy. Energy that we use on earth requires sooooo many downgrades from its original form so that it doesn’t kill us every time we turn a light on or plug something in. As powerful as God is, he would literally kill us – we would blow up, if he was anywhere near us. This is why he sends his Angels, and this is why there are different tiers of Angels.

Archangels and Guardian Angels are the lowest, the closest to earth, but very high vibrational being a nonetheless. They can communicate to humans using signs, or through our own inner voice. Any messages received from us are relayed through the tiers, and only the most important ones are passed to God.

Archangels, Guardian Angels, and even Spirit Guides (once human and have now ascended) are surrounding us every minute of every day, but the key here, is that Angels can’t interfere unless we ask them to. We need to be open to receiving the guidance, comfort and protection that’s available to us. It is believed that our Angels were chosen for us before we even made it to earth. They are here to support our highest good, and help us to reach our true and divine purpose.

Here are 8 ways in which I have spoken to my Angels;

1.  Do a meditation. There are plenty of guided meditations on YouTube that will allow you to connect with Angels. Some will leave space for you to ask direct questions, some will lead you to meet your Angels, get their name or go on a journey with them.

2. Ask them to show you they are here with a physical object. This isn’t like “throw a chair across the room”. I asked my Angels to show me a real flower on that particular day. It was the dead of winter. I was patient all day long, I went about my day as a usually would, and while I was getting an oil change my friend, who came with me to wait, bless her heart, pointed out the real flowers in the waiting room. It wasn’t anything spectacular to anyone else, but I knew it was my sign.

3. Use Oracle cards or other Divination tools. I have several sets of Oracale cards I like to use, and I’ve also tried a Pendulum and Tarot cards to get answers from the Angels. It’s important to invite Angels and Spirits to your card readings and ask that they allow clear and accurate readings and bless everyone involved. I also like to ask for help to be open minded and intuitive, and for the courage to follow through on the guidance I receive.

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4. Do Reiki. Reiki helps to enhance your connection to spiritual energy. Use this time to connect with your Angels and ask that they help you release any blockages and let the energy flow through you.

5. Go for a Nature Walk.  Nature as a whole has an incredible spiritual presence. Take your shoes off, connect with the earth. Mother Nature is all around you. Strike up a conversation.

6. Journal. I’ve asked my Angels to speak through me as I journal. I’ve written something down and then go back to read it, and what it says is different than what I was thinking. Some people also refer to Automatic Writing – you’ll often see Mediums using this when they are conversing with spirits who have passed on.

7. Pay Attention to Numbers. I’ve noticed that when my Angels really want me to connect with them they will show me 11:11 A LOT, or any sequence of numbers. 3:33, 4:44… Usually when I see these numbers I say Hi, and thank them for hanging out with me.

8.  Start and End the Day with a Conversation. In the morning ask the Angels to be with you today, to guide you and help you to be mindful and open to signs. Always, always, always give thanks to your Angels in the evening, or before you go to bed.

Writing this post just reminded me of the John Travolta movie “Michael” where he plays a cigarette smoking, ass scratching, ladies man kind of Angel. I’m sure I’ve got one or two of those types hanging out with me as well.

I’m sure my Angels are just relieved that I finally started to acknowledge them. Yours will be too! ❤️✌️

 

How Do You Build A Sacred Space?

So most of us don’t have the means to travel to faraway lands, escape to beautiful temples, or renovate our entire home to find some peace. So then, how do we build a sacred space? Honestly, between everything that we do in a day, when do we ever take time to ourselves to sit and reflect, to refuel? If we do it’s in the car while we’re driving to our next appointment, or the coffee shop washroom, or once we get home and plop on the couch to watch Netflix. (Plop seems like the wrong choice of word after having talked about a washroom – but I don’t care, it made me laugh). But I’ve got a secret for you.. You are more than capable of creating a small space for yourself, and it will change your life!

“A Soul Searcher’s sanctuary is the key to their sanity in a world where sanity’s thin on the ground, so don’t underestimate the power of sorrounding yourself with happy chi”.

– Emma Mildon. “The Soul Searcher’s Handbook”, 2015

Having a sacred space (or some call it a “sanctuary”) has been a HUGE blessing throughout this journey. That’s one awesome thing that my ex ended up doing near the end of our relationship. Between the cheating, she actually found time to create a sacred space. She transformed our second bedroom in to this beautifully calm and relaxing room. I spent the entire month of December in this room, unless I was in therapy or getting a massage (how can anyone do self-care without massage?!). I did a lot of journalling, and I’m so relieved I did because it’s incredible to look back and see how things were changing inside me.

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This space is sacred because it allows you to connect so easily. It’s a self-care emporium and it’s full of magic. It feels safe, and inviting. You are surrounded by things that you love, and so your vibration is already elevated. In this space you have time, you are giving yourself permission to spend time on you, with you. I called on the angels, spirits, divine to join me in this room. My intuition was higher, I was ready to listen and I learned so much. It became a craving. I started watching a lot less TV, and spending time in any other room because I loved how I felt in this space.

It’s different now that I’ve returned to my parents (yeah… that happened), but I still have a space where I feel like I can escape (sort of). I have a comfy chair, blankets and pillows. My diffuser is out, and all my crystals. I have a bookshelf with my books and some pretty decorations I’ve found here and there; a dream catcher, a crystal lotus flower, a wooden OM. I also like to keep a picture of me as a child (I’m probably 3 or 4 years old) because I like to send my inner child love, and sometimes I’ll do Reiki on it. I bought a blue flower that hangs on the doorknob so people know when I’m enjoying my serenity, but sometimes this doesn’t stop them from knocking 🤦

If you are just starting a Spiritual Journey, or you started a long time ago and haven’t created space for yourself, OR if you are just in need of some self-care time – CREATE IT!

Here are some suggestions for your Sacred Space:

  • Colours that make you smile – paint your walls or buy a nice piece of fabric to hang
  • Candles
  • Pictures of people you love – including yourself!!
  • Relaxing music (I like soft guitar, Reiki or spa music from YouTube – some of the playlists last 8 hours!)
  • Motivational and Inspiring Quotes/Pictures
  • Comfy blankets and pillows
  • Crystals (YESSSS)
  • Essential oils or Incense
  • Journal and pens
  • Mood lighting (highly recommend purchasing a salt lamp)
  • Plants or flowers
  • Yoga mat, or meditation pillows
  • Spiritual literature
  • Statues (like a Buddha… or whatever floats your boat)
  • Dream Catcher
  • Oracle Cards (or any other kind of divination tool you might be in to… or not, whatever)
  • Something to cleanse the space (I use palo santo)

Just remember to keep it simple, and use your intuition to feel what to put in there, and where. Your soul knows what will soothe it, just trust it ❤✌

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Closer to Home; Accepting a Spiritual Calling

The instant I acknowledged my belief in Spirituality things started to change for me. That’s literally all it took, and I was seeing the world differently, I was feeling more at home in my own body, and in the life I had lived for 30 years. I could feel the presence of something heavier in the air – not in a bad way, in a beautiful way. In a way that told me that there was more to this world that what my baby blues could see. I was being drawn to so many things; a metaphysical store I have seen a million times and never gone in to, crystals, Reiki, meditations on YouTube. Social Media was swimming with quotes and links to events and blogs. People I spoke to (which weren’t very many, remember burnout…) were talking about Buddha and Twin Flames – WTF?!

Path of Life Sculpture Garden

I started reading about Spirituality – figured a blog was a good place to start, because my heart (my intuition, my inner knowing if you will) was there, but I’m a Gemini, and if my intellectual side isn’t satisfied, girl (or boy) you know I’m not going anywhere. The first site that was plastered across my computer screen was called “Loner Wolf”. I certainly didn’t google that myself. But if you haven’t checked them out, do it! https://lonerwolf.com/ It’s a site created by a set of Twin Flames (go figure), Mateo Sol and Aletheia Luna (biographies below). They have hundreds of blog posts, and I found the two that I was craving, rather they found me. “30 Signs You’re Born to be a Spiritual Healer” by Aletheia Luna, and “Is your Life Crisis Really a Spiritual Calling in Disguise” by Mateo Sol – both links here;

https://lonerwolf.com/spiritual-healer/

http://lonerwolf.com/life-crisis-calling/

 

As I read these articles, I started to feel like I fit, like actually FIT, for the first time ever. I know you probably don’t know me. But if you did, you would likely think that’s a ridiculous statement. I don’t come off as an introvert, or someone who has a hard time making friends, or “fitting in”. I get along with everyone because that’s what happens when you live to impress other people. As you read in my previous post, I put your feelings about me above my feelings about myself, so I morphed into whatever I thought you needed me to be. If you had asked me who I was, I would never have been able to answer that. It actually makes me cry thinking about that, but it’s so very true. Even if I was in the middle of the room, cracking jokes and being a social butterfly, I felt like I was different from you all, I felt like an outcast that could never find their place. Inside I was screaming for people to love me, because I couldn’t figure out how to love myself. But even I didn’t know that, I was certainly learning  it though. And reading these articles was my next step in that journey.

“30 Signs You’re Born to be a Spiritual Healer” by Aletheia Luna hits the nail on the head. It talks about Spirituality going against the grain of what we’re taught in the Western world. I’ve always had this sense of being the “black sheep”. I’ve always been attracted to energies and extremely sensitive to physical and emotional environments. I can sense energy and become drained when anothers’ energy is negative. Meditation and Mindfulness are things I actually feel so passionate about, despite others’ views.     – journal entry Dec 2017

The items listed on this page spoke so clearly to me. They allowed me to feel that I was on the right path, and that there was this community of people out there who understood me. Who could verbalize the things I’ve been wanting to say for so many years, and didn’t have the wherewithal, or courage to speak.

  1. You are highly sensitive to energy.
  2. You feel other people’s emotions and physical ailments as your own (empath).
  3. You are intuitive and can read others very easily.
  4. You are a “big picture” thinker (and don’t concern yourself too much with the details).
  5. You have gone through bouts of existential depression.
  6. You have felt like an outcast for most of your life.
  7. You think differently from others.
  8. You get overwhelmed in public easily.
  9. You have struggled with anxiety or panic before.
  10. You are the natural peacemaker between people.
  11. You are the confidant that people turn to in times of need.
  12. You experience digestive issues, lower back pain or gain weight around the stomach (solar plexus chakra disorders).
  13. You feel drained after spending too much time around people
  14. Sensitive beings like animals and children gravitate towards you.
  15. Other people tend to “dump” their emotional baggage onto you to deal with.
  16. You think in shades of grey rather than in black and white.
  17. You are very aware of the interconnectedness of life and deeply respect it.
  18. You believe in synchronicity more than coincidences.
  19. You have a history of healers in the family, e.g. nurses, psychologists, massage therapists
  20. You’ve experienced a major trauma in your life, e.g. loss of your family, life-threatening illness, near death experience, physical/sexual/emotional abuse, war, mental illness.
  21. You’ve gone through a spiritual awakening.
  22. You’ve experienced the dark night of the soul.
  23. You tend to use the right side thinker more than a left side thinker.
  24. You experience chronic pain in your body or an autoimmune disease (energetic blockages).
  25. You are EMF sensitive (electromagnetic hypersensitivity).
  26. You tend to attract people who need “fixing” but often get trapped in self-sacrificing roles.
  27. You’re an excellent and compassionate listener.
  28. You are naturally drawn towards healing professions that help others experience balance and wholeness.
  29. You can feel, distinguish between and alter the energy within and without yourself.
  30. You have had numerous mystical experiences.

List from “30 Signs You’re Born to be a Spiritual Healer”

by Aletheia Luna (link above).

The only downfall to reading this post was that immediately when I finished I started obsessing about getting back to work right away. I googled roles or careers in which “Spiritual Healers” would be employed. I racked by brain thinking about how I could make this happen right away. I caught myself trying to find value in external sources – again. I realized my ego was trying to avoid the actual work that was necessary, the real work, the soul work.

Then I found the other post, “Is your Life Crisis Really a Spiritual Calling in Disguise” by Mateo Sol. And I realized that this is where I need to be. It was here that I needed to sit with myself, because I knew that if I could truly see my entire breakdown, not as a personal attack from God, but as a Spiritual Calling, then I would have no question that I am valued and loved, that I’m part of a collective, that I have a divine purpose. I could actually choose who I want to be, and I could delve deep into the layers, walls and impressions that I’ve created in myself so far. I could do the really dirty work, and still feel like I was going to be okay, or perhaps even better than okay!

“There comes a moment in our lives where we grow out of the collective values and ways of living common to our societies. At a certain point in our lives, we realize that the values, attitudes, relationships and beliefs we’ve held no longer contribute to the development of who we truly are: our authentic selves.

This life crisis, although painful, provides a vital opportunity for us to begin our spiritual journeys towards wholeness”.

Quote from “Is your Life Crisis Really a Spiritual Calling in Disguise”

by Mateo Sol (link above).

The most important thing that I took away from Mateo’s article was that this crisis is just the beginning. When you’ve experienced a “calling” it’s like you know that it’s not going to be easy, but you just can’t not do it. It feels like you have no other choice, like the Universe sets everything up perfectly so that you know this is what needs to be done. I knew that I was at a place in my life that required commitment to my Spiritual practice. Essentially, it required a commitment to myself. And so I committed, and yes it was shaky, under torrential downpour at times, but I am still here – committing. And whether or not other people understand this, is completely out of my control. I get that now, and I don’t let it have any impact on me. Hmmm maybe that’s not entirely true. There are VERY few people in my life that I’m still effected by, but it does happen and it’s really not easy feeling like I’m disappointing them, or embarrassing them, but that’s all part of the journey I think. Not everyone is going to understand you, even if that hurts your heart. It does not mean they don’t love you.

If you feel like you are being called for a Spiritual Journey, get on the bus and go with the flow! Sure, buses are super uncomfortable – there’s a lot of people you don’t know, and only one washroom (if any, eek) – but so is embarking on a journey of self-discovery. In my humble opinion, being uncomfortable is much easier than being lost. Being uncomfortable means that there will be growth. And growth means that you are getting closer and closer to finding out who you truly are, and that you are capable of anything! We are called to realize this, and to become a force of good in this world. Each of us has a purpose, and each of us will be called to it.

Will you listen? Will you embark on the journey?

I hope you will ❤✌


Loner Wolf Biographies

aletheia-luna-author-image

Aletheia Luna:

Aletheia Luna is an influential spiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. As a child, Aletheia Luna was raised in a fundamentalist Christian church. But after experiencing depression, isolation, and anxiety as a result of their dangerous cult teachings, she experienced a spiritual awakening at the age of 19. Since leaving and picking up the pieces of her life, Luna has dedicated herself to intense inner healing and a process she calls soulwork. Later, in 2012 she co-founded popular spiritual website, lonerwolf.com. As a mystic, spiritual mentor and soulwork therapist, her mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment, and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance.

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Mateo Sol:

Mateo Sol is a prominent psychospiritual teacher whose work has influenced the lives of thousands of people worldwide. Born into a family with a history of drug addiction, schizophrenia, and mental illness, Mateo Sol was taught about the plight of the human condition from a young age. However, at the age of 18, Sol experienced a spiritual awakening which aroused in him the desire to help others. After reconnecting with his ancient Peruvian roots and being initiated into their ancestral wisdom, Sol co-founded the influential spiritual website lonerwolf.com in 2012. As a shaman, soulwork therapist and spiritual guide, Sol’s mission is to help others experience freedom, wholeness, and peace in any stage of life.

 

The Infinite Value of Self-Worth

In what ways do you find value? How do you measure self-worth?

These are the questions my new therapist asked me. I had just finished explaining how I felt like I lost the five fundamental things in my life; belief system, relationship, work, friends/family and myself. I thought it was an interesting question, one I hadn’t really thought about before. I told her that I feel valued when my friends rely on me, when I make my parents proud, when I surpass an expectation at work, when my partner tells me they love me… My therapist was quick to point out that none of these examples demonstrate self-worth. I was finding value in external sources alone. I didn’t place any value on myself without the validation from others/events.

“As far as I can think back, there is so much truth to this. Most, if not all of what I do, revolves around not disappointing people, but impressing them. And when they value me, or at least I perceive that they value me, I keep going. I literally can’t think of a time where I wasn’t trying to prove myself, in one way or another, to another person. I feel like I am no longer of value to my work (hence not getting the job), my relationship (hence her infidelity), my family and my friends (I’m sure I have disappointed them with all of this) and this is why I am lost.”
– journal entry Dec 2017

What a risky move – allowing external sources in my life determine my value. Essentially I was placing my mental and emotional health directly in their hands. Whether they wanted it or not, I was giving it to them. For whatever reason, I didn’t feel that I was good enough to place value on “just” me. But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize – the value that we place on ourselves is the only type of worth that we actually have control over. In that way, WE get to determine how these external factors influence our inner sense of value.

Society has this idea of what “success” should look like, our parents believe it, our friends believe it, and we believe it. We seek value and worth in “success”. We fall in to this trap and become so heavily influenced by what we’ve been taught, or conditioned to find value in, that we completely forget that we alone determine what’s of value to us. And our self-worth should always be first on that list. It’s not about the fancy car, the big house, the picket fence and seven children. It’s not about impressing your parents, graduating with honours, or choosing partners that your friends will approve of. It’s not about the size of your waist, the number of Twitter followers you have, or even whether or not your partner is unfaithful. It’s about you! It’s about creating something internally that allows you to see your value, to stand unapologetically in self-worth. This is the only way to achieve the success, the happiness that you desire. This creates a rock hard foundation that not even the worst of external circumstances can break.

The hardest part for me, was actually believing this. It took several therapy sessions for me to see things about myself that I love. I looked at my morals, attitudes, behaviour patterns, archetypes… I wrote positive affirmations in my journal over and over and over. I was trying to re-wire my brain, my mind, my heart to fall in love with myself, and after 30 years of living for others, this ended up being a pretty difficult process.

One day my therapist asked how I thought any of this related to my belief in a higher power. I believed God loved me, and valued me – but that “He” was external to me, as was everything else I allowed to shape my view of myself. My therapist challenged me on this. Is God external or internal? I figured out that this was the reason I wasn’t connecting with the whole concept of a religious God, because I viewed “Him” as external. My lightbulb started flashing when I proclaimed that I believe in Spirituality, in Energy, in the Universal Life Source. If that beautiful, Divine love and light is inside me then I am ABSOLUTELY of value. And I know that I am part of this infinite existence, and that it is internal.

“Spirituality is something deep inside me. And if its in me, and its all love then it would make sense that I’m all love, and all Divine. I’m a Divine being deserving of love. And before I look for that love from anyone/anywhere else, it needs to come directly from the source of the Divine, me”.
– journal entry Dec 2017

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Total Game Changer!

At the end of the day, you are all you got. And you’re the only person who needs to approve of you. Impress yourself. Value yourself. Other people may not understand you. That’s their loss. Make yourself your priority. Be kind to yourself first. It’s not selfish. It’s a necessity, believe me. And its not easy. It’s an entirely different way for most of us to think and behave. I often find myself slipping back and seeking value in others – it has been so deeply ingrained. My therapist reminds me every so often that the journey for self-worth is ongoing, and if I continue to find value in myself I will get stronger, as will my spiritual presence. Today I know I am worthy, and I love myself fully and unconditionally because I am Divine. I know that I will be okay. And so will you. ✨❤️

 

Emotional Buckets: is yours full?

My best friend recently taught her 3 year old about her “emotional bucket”. She told her that we all have emotional buckets and its our job to keep them full. Sometimes things can happen and the bucket empties a little bit, but its important to find things (like hugs and colouring) that can fill your bucket back up.

I wish she had shared this wisdom with me too. Though I’m sure even if she had I wouldn’t have listened because I was “fine”. It took me several hard smacks to realize I wasn’t, and then it sunk in that my bucket had been empty for a long time. Fortunately I realized this before it had any major impact on my clients. Me and my life, on the other hand, took a much harder hit.

So what does an empty bucket look like for a helping professional? It looks like burnout. It looks like compassion fatigue. It looks like vicarious trauma. And it can literally happen to anyone… yes, even you.

Symptoms that I have (finally) recognized;

  • Emotional exhaustion
  • Withdrawal from family, friends and activities which bring joy
  • Cynicism/Hopelessness
  • Detachment
  • Lack of concentration and focus
  • Increased illness; headaches, heartburn, back pain
  • Increased absence from work
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Poor job satisfaction
  • Poor self-image, self-worth
  • Loss of pleasure in life/relationships
  • Disinterest in intimacy
  • Feeling burdened by others
  • Loss of sense of spirituality
  • Work-related nightmares, or even consistent dreams about work
  • Mood swings
  • Greater sense of fear
  • Prolonged sadness
  • Feeling of numbness

And please believe me, it was much harder admitting that I was suffering from these, than it was to suffer ignorantly. Even now, having this written out in front of me makes me really sad. There is a lot on this list that I am still battling every single day, even though I have been off work for months and I’m no longer experiencing a crisis of faith.

I wish that I could have been one of those people that can catch when their attitude, or behaviour is changing and nip it in the bud right then and there. Please be one of those people if any of those symptoms resonate with you. Develop a self-care plan and STICK TO IT. Go the therapy (stop bottling those emotions – you aren’t saving anyone by doing that), set really strong boundaries – even if it feels mean. Exercise, meditate, journal, take a friggen break and TALK TO PEOPLE. Maybe even do a bit of listening, your family and friends may realize more than you know.

For me, I believe this journey needed to happen this way. I’m a stubborn person, and I think it took me falling this hard, being pushed right to my limit, for me to finally wake up. I believe that the universe knew it was time for me to lose everything, including any belief I had in something greater. I believe that everything in my life needed to be shaken up so that I could piece things together, find myself, my purpose. It happened for my highest good. That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer today. I still have difficulty getting out of bed most of the time, I cry uncontrollably when returning to work is brought up, I have terrible mood swings… But this outlook literally saved my life.

And slowly but surely I’m working on refilling my bucket.

❤️✌️

The Start of “Something more than Ordinary”…

Fun fact: some “guided” retreats are also “silent” retreats. I had no idea, and considering this was my first retreat ever, I really had no clue what to expect. I arrived on the Friday, everyone ate dinner and shared stories as to why this retreat came at the perfect time in their lives; most women already knew each other, so you can imagine the blow my pride took the next morning when I was greeting everyone with a cheery “Good Morning”, and no one replied. In fact, they all stared at the ground as they passed by. I couldn’t imagine what I had done to upset all of them so much, and instantly I was beating myself up. They hate you. They think you shouldn’t be here. This was a mistake. My self worth was non existent, and I was so vulnerable to other peoples’ impressions of me, even if they were perceptions of impressions.

Once I clued in to the fact that it was a silent retreat, and people weren’t actually being incredibly rude, I was able to appreciate the solitude. I stood in awe of the picturesque sky starting out over the lake, the birds flying overhead and disappearing into the distance. But in all this beauty, I could not stop my mind from going a mile a minute.

I was worried about work and my relationship. I could not wrap my head around why my life was turning out this way. Why was I being stripped of everything I loved, everything that I knew? I questioned my belief in a higher power so much that weekend. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of a man with a white beard, or with any sort of sin list – considering I could easily check off over half of any list you presented to me. But I was desperate to find something, anything to believe in. I knew I wouldn’t last long if I stayed where I was.

I believe now that that “something” actually led me to this retreat. I didn’t want to go, I had originally called (only a few days prior) for my partner to go and there was one spot left. Was it fate?

“Something more than Ordinary. That’s their tagline at this retreat centre. Isn’t it exactly what I’m searching for? Something not so mundane and routinely? Something that speaks to me on a deeper level and brings some peace while encountering the chaos that is “just a regular, ordinary life”. 

Maybe there are other ways to connect and get to know God that have nothing to do with going to church. I’m sure there are. Even being here, Sister Jane has never said the word “God”, she uses the word “Divine”…”

My heart knows I am loved. My head, chatter from others, books people have written try to confuse me, to sell me on untruths. But if I am still, and I am listening, this is a matter of the heart – not the head. The sunsets here are incredible. There is something about the sun setting on the lake that is just so magical. For the first time this weekend I can say that I’m connecting with the theme – Wrapped in Wonder. Looking out at the burning red sun and the ripples from the water radiating that warmth, I feel energy around me, and all the wonder that it brings. I’ve come to discover that I am Wrapped in the Wonder of Creation – nature. This is where my peace is. Any time I am near a lake, I feel it very strongly. It was hard to connect with being wrapped in wonder of my being this morning, probably because I’m being very hard on myself lately. But I find such peace in nature – creation. It’s indescribable, and it’s so real.

Reading back in my journal now it just amazes me the tiny little nudges, hints, signs that I was getting from above. Very few that I was able to catch on to at the time. People would look at that and say yes, it’s fate. I would say that it’s Divine timing. That’s the thing about a journey right? It’s all about timing. Nothing happens when you want/expect it to, it happens when it’s meant to. And there is always learning being done along the way, whether you like it or not.

It was at this retreat, sorrounded by silence, that I decided to be honest.

I wrote down a list of my symptoms and I went to my doctor. That may seem ridiculous to you, but I knew that if I didn’t write everything down and actually put the paper in his hand, I would have lied – to him, and to myself. He started the process for a short term disability leave from work before I could even gather the courage to admit that I didn’t feel competent to work with individuals, especially individuals who are incredibly vulnerable. As a social worker, it was my duty to be open and honest about my shortcomings. Too often I see people pushing past their warning posts, for what? That has absolutely no benefit to the clients! It is so important to admit that we are suffering – we are not super human! It is so easy for anyone in a helping profession to push themselves to the side, to look at other peoples struggles and instantly minimize their own.

Often we are afraid of how others might judge us. I know I was – my manager might think I’m weak and shouldn’t be working here, my parents will think I’ve failed, my co-workers will never trust me… When it got to the point for me that I felt like I was either going to end up in the hospital or face these fears, I chose to just deal. And for the most part, the response was the complete opposite than I had expected. Yet another shift were seeing in the universe – people are more and more open-minded when it comes to mental health. So let’s keep talking about it!!

✌️❤️

The Beginning; Burnout, Fear and Fools

Have you ever found yourself feeling like a fish out of water? Like an actor in a movie, that you didn’t even know existed, and probably wouldn’t want to watch even if you had to? I’ve always considered myself a sort of “black sheep”, though looking at me, and even knowing me, you would never have guessed it. It didn’t even bother me really, because I played the part you all expected me to. At every level, I even had myself fooled – I’m that good of an actor – still really unsure why Hollywood hasn’t come to scoop me up.

This skewed, internalised perception of who I am, and who the world expects me to be had complete control of my life up until about 4 months ago, and like I said, I didn’t even know it. After my breakdown I had a few friends apologise for not seeing it coming, and to be honest, there’s no way they could have because I had no idea. I lived my life as if everything was perfect, because I truly believed it was. I had an apartment with the person I wanted to marry, I had great friends, and a close enough relationship with my family. I had started a career three years prior that I knew I was good at, and I had a belief in some sort of higher power that encouraged me to be grateful for all of these things. I was happy, successful and loved.

And then something happened, and I crashed. I had applied for a management position at the same place (an organization who supports people with mental health issues). I didn’t get the job, and if this doesn’t seem like a big thing to you, it doesn’t matter. To me, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. It made me upset to the point that I dreamed about hurting myself. I had visions of waking up in the hospital, on the mental health unit. I had disclosed to my partner (very non-chalant-ly) that if I didn’t get the job there was a chance I wouldn’t want to live anymore. I thought I was making a joke at the time, as did they. It wasn’t a joke apparently.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I was incredibly burnt out, I had drained by own cup so severely that for the year before all of this, I had slowly been withdrawing from everything I loved. I remember telling my partner that I couldn’t go to social gatherings, or even AA meetings anymore because I just couldn’t bare to listen to people talk anymore. Even the thought of it made me want to crawl in a hole and cry. I always thought of myself as a social person, I loved people, I always had a long list of friends, and an even longer list of topics for conversation. But at this point, I hated everyone. I started seeing the last year without the rose-coloured glasses. I saw how I had withdrawn completely from my friends and family. I saw the lack of intimacy and interest in my relationship. I saw the absolute dread of going to work. I saw the vicarious trauma in nightmares and new irrational fears. I saw the selfishness, the lack of compassion, the irritability I showed at work. I saw the tears, the shakes, the terrifying thoughts. I saw them all for what they actually were. And that was the scariest part. Applying for that job had subconsciously been my light at the end of the tunnel, and now everything was dark.

And then my partner cheated on me. Within a week I had lost the five fundamental things that made me who I was; my belief in a higher power, my partner, my job, my family and my friends. Physically my partner, my job, my friends and my family were still there, but there was no connection to me. And if I wasn’t connected to these things, I didn’t exist, therefore I lost myself.

I sat in the darkness for a week before I started journalling, and I’d like to share my first journal entry with you… I guess this is where the vulnerability begins;

“The past few weeks I’ve fallen pretty hard. I’ve fallen in to a trap where I feel lost, like I have no purpose. I feel unloved, and not valued. I’m seeing that the things I thought I was doing right were actually creating a shield around me that even those closest to me couldn’t penetrate. I feel so sad, and so incredibly lonely. I feel like I am literally questioning everything in my life because everything is so off balance. 

I don’t even know where to start to rebuild on these things. And maybe it’s not even about re-building, but just building in general. Maybe I need to find a whole new way of living, a whole new view of who I am as a person. It’s scary, terrifying really, and I feel myself resisting it sometimes, but I think the scariest part is that my brain fools itself in to thinking that everything is fine- like it wants me to keep coasting like this. And I am fooled, and then I fool everyone else around me. I talk a good talk. And this scares me to my core because how will I ever really know when I am on the right path?

The only place I feel comfortable starting with is my belief in a higher power. I had a dream last week – I was standing in the middle of a room, alone, screaming, begging for help and one man approached me. It was a pastor from a church I had gone to maybe twice in my life. So I’ve signed up for a spiritual retreat, and I leave in four hours”. 

Church was never really my thing. I didn’t connect with it. I didn’t connect with “religion”. But I was so desperate at this point to find something, anything that could pull me out of the darkness. And for whatever reason I was drawn to the word “Divine”.

And so the journey from social work burnout to spiritual breakout truly began…

❤️✌️