I left today,
On a journey I planned a long time ago.
I left without needing approval
I left without fear.
Alone I felt powerful.
People wouldn’t know,
The strength it took to get out of bed
The pills and pain I had to swallow.
People don’t know.
How hard it is to listen,
How hard it is to talk,
How hard it is.
I took one step
And then seven
And slowly synchronicity surrounded.
I started following the pulls.
I’m here now,
I’m listening to my soul, feeding it,
The soul I lost for so long.
Through the fire.
Through the burnout.
It was waiting,
To explore, to awaken.
I’m not a poet by any means, but I wrote this today, as a representation of my journal entries for the two weeks following my break up. It just felt right to express it in this way.
In that time I had given my 60 days notice, I had asked my parents about moving back in with them (not my most empowering moment) and I planned an escape. I packed my bag for 10 days, and decided I would go with the flow. I didn’t have any money, I wasn’t allowed to leave the country as I was still on a leave from work and I had literally no patience being around people. My doctor had recently started me on antidepressants, and the effects were minimal at this point.
My cousin, who I only see at Christmas, had graciously offered me a bed at her house in a city that I used to love, so I started there. I made a conscious decision to say Yes – to follow the universe, to be guided, to show up to MY life, for me. And things started to happen. Little things, big things, wild things – they all just started happening. I so randomly bumped in to my best friends from 10 years earlier, and even after all that time had passed, they still felt like home. The synchronicity of this experience had me dumbfounded. The universe was starting to bring me back to me, the real, core, true me. I was starting to feel inspired, and alive in a different way than I ever had before.
For the first time in a very, very long time I followed my heart. I allowed my soul to explore. I asked myself – what do I want to do right now – and then I would do it! What do I want to eat – and I would eat it! I sat by the lake and felt the crisp wind on my face. I went in to a year round costume shop and tried on Victorian ballgowns (so fun(ny). I navigated a museum of nature and found an entire floor of crystals. I attended a spiritual service and did a beautiful meditation. I let my body dance intuitively at a concert in another province. I went to see a movie and gorged on my favourite soft pretzels. Because come on! They’re amazing!
It seems so simple, but if you actually look at your day to day life, how often can you really say you do this? Without feeling guilty? Without seeking approval? Without being embarrassed? Without planning out every detail?
It was during this little mini adventure that I knew I would be living my life differently from now on. I set the intention that, as best as I could, I was going to listen to my soul.
Expose your soul, feel it deeply. Let it guide you, let it explore! ❤️✌️