I Let My Soul Explore 🌹

I left today,

On a journey I planned a long time ago.

I left without needing approval

I left without fear.

Alone I felt powerful.

People wouldn’t know,

The strength it took to get out of bed

The pills and pain I had to swallow.

People don’t know.

How hard it is to listen,

How hard it is to talk,

How hard it is.

I took one step

And then seven

And slowly synchronicity surrounded.

I started following the pulls.

I’m here now,

I’m adventuring,

I’m listening to my soul, feeding it,

The soul I lost for so long.

Through the fire.

Through the burnout.

It was waiting,

To explore, to awaken.


I’m not a poet by any means, but I wrote this today, as a representation of my journal entries for the two weeks following my break up. It just felt right to express it in this way.

In that time I had given my 60 days notice, I had asked my parents about moving back in with them (not my most empowering moment) and I planned an escape. I packed my bag for 10 days, and decided I would go with the flow. I didn’t have any money, I wasn’t allowed to leave the country as I was still on a leave from work and I had literally no patience being around people. My doctor had recently started me on antidepressants, and the effects were minimal at this point.

My cousin, who I only see at Christmas, had graciously offered me a bed at her house in a city that I used to love, so I started there. I made a conscious decision to say Yes – to follow the universe, to be guided, to show up to MY life, for me. And things started to happen. Little things, big things, wild things – they all just started happening. I so randomly bumped in to my best friends from 10 years earlier, and even after all that time had passed, they still felt like home. The synchronicity of this experience had me dumbfounded. The universe was starting to bring me back to me, the real, core, true me. I was starting to feel inspired, and alive in a different way than I ever had before.

For the first time in a very, very long time I followed my heart. I allowed my soul to explore. I asked myself – what do I want to do right now – and then I would do it! What do I want to eat – and I would eat it! I sat by the lake and felt the crisp wind on my face. I went in to a year round costume shop and tried on Victorian ballgowns (so fun(ny). I navigated a museum of nature and found an entire floor of crystals. I attended a spiritual service and did a beautiful meditation. I let my body dance intuitively at a concert in another province. I went to see a movie and gorged on my favourite soft pretzels. Because come on! They’re amazing!

It seems so simple, but if you actually look at your day to day life, how often can you really say you do this? Without feeling guilty? Without seeking approval? Without being embarrassed? Without planning out every detail?

It was during this little mini adventure that I knew I would be living my life differently from now on. I set the intention that, as best as I could, I was going to listen to my soul.

Expose your soul, feel it deeply. Let it guide you, let it explore! ❤️✌️

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Process Those Emotions Through Your Heart

I surprised myself after the break up. I hadn’t really cried. I was sad, and I was mad. But I dealt with these things as I normally do, I let them go, brushed them off. I let them go because I refused to let them impact my spiritual progress (little did I know that was doing the opposite). I wondered if this was normal. If it was too simple. If it was even addressing the issue. I asked my therapist if I was dealing with things properly…

This question turned in to a long conversation about processing emotions. And even after I went home I opened up my Instagram and it seemed that every other post on my feed was speaking to me about this. Go figure we’re all human.

Here’s five general points that sat well with me, and still do…

1) Throughout our lives we create blockages in our bodies with the energy from feelings that have not been processed. These turn in to impressions (beliefs about ourselves or others) which can get stimulated by events, people, “triggers” essentially, and end up creating fears, negative feelings of self doubt etc…

2) When we encounter a new event that causes emotions to arise, and we need to keep our heart open, so not to create another blockage (because no one wants a blockage!). We have to allow the emotion to work it’s way through our bodies, and channel directly through our heart centres (be it sadness, anger, disappointment, worry etc…).

3) It can be a painful process, frankly it hurts like hell and feels like you’re going to drown in a puddle of tears, and it is necessary. How many times have you “dealt” with your feelings around something just to see the same thing pop up again and again and again? The more we try to suppress our feelings, distract ourselves by saying we’ll deal with it another day, the harder it gets to actually process it effectively. And when it already hurts like hell you don’t want to make it any worse.

4) There is a huge difference between allowing emotions or feelings to channel through your heart, and sitting in your shit. I tell myself it is completely healthy and okay to sit in “victim-mode” and grieve for a certain amount of time – be it an hour, or a day depending on the level of emotion I’m feeling – and then that’s it. I release it. I refuse to let that emotion or thought bog me down any longer. I refuse to become it. I refuse to become the thoughts that arise from the emotion. That’s just plain toxic.

5) Processed or – even better- released emotions can become powerful motivators for positive change. Instead of being stuck in a never ending cycle of bullshit, process your emotions, allow them to channel through you. With this experience of purification, and releasing of blockages you open yourself up to the universal flow of energy. This is when the healing takes place. When we allow the energy to travel to our heart, our soul is there to meet it, and our soul holds the answers.

So how do you do this? I sat in my basement apartment, locked the door, grabbed a tea and I started writing. I sat with myself for hours, and I wrote and cried, and wrote mean things (which I later burnt) and cried, and wrote all of the feelings I was ashamed to admit and cried some more. I called my mom and was grateful that she created space for me to continue crying, to vent, and then to be comforted. I asked her to tell me everything would be okay. I knew in my heart that it would be (that’s the key to not sitting in your shit) but I needed her to say it.

Essentially I gave myself permission to feel. To REALLY FEEL.

****There may be some of you reading this that don’t feel safe allowing yourself to fully feel, and please know that’s ok. Maybe its not time yet, or maybe you can talk to someone about how to create a safe space for you to do this.

It’s important to find a way that works specifically for you. It will look different for everyone. Maybe you need to listen to sappy love songs, or loud screamer songs. Maybe you need to go to a rage room, or just call a close friend that allows you to vent fully without judgment. Maybe you need to do some painting, or go sit near the lake. Whatever it looks like, when the tears start flowin, DON’T STOP THEM! Allow them – give yourself permission to feel them. Pay attention to how the energy feels making it’s way through your body, and in to your heart. Once it’s in your heart your soul will know when it’s ready to be released ❤✌

Accept Your Gut: The Difference Between Intuition, Ego, Logic 🤔🤷

Usually I’m really strong when it comes to break ups. Yes, I have a tendency of giving people too many chances, but I am no doormat ok? This particular relationship tho had me questioning everything when it ended. I could not for the life of me decipher between my intuition, my ego and my logical mind. What is the difference between them?

Something inside me longed to be chosen, to be loved. Something else knew the relationship was over, that I deserved better, that there was a higher calling at play. Another part of me knew I could never trust her again. Knew that if I took the steps of telling my parents and friends, giving my 60 days notice at the apartment, that I wouldn’t go back on it. Or maybe I would? What if this was just a hiccup and we were actually meant to be? Was it a sign that she called just as I was writing that I’m letting go? A sign that I’m not supposed to let go? Or that I should? Or was it a test – are you really letting go or not, lets see if you answer this phone call. And obviously I answered it.


So how do we know when it’s our Intuition?

Intuition is always serving your higher purpose. It is an inner knowing, a gut feeling that comes suddenly and without any emotion or reasoning attached. Its objective and part of your higher intelligence. Some people hear their intuition, some people feel it in their heart. Intuition is just one of the ways in which I will receive spiritual guidance. I interchange intuition with heart wisdom and I believe that my angels and spirit guides will relay messages in this way.

When I’m receiving these intuitive, spiritual messages they are always loving, kind and encouraging. They are also very calming, like the instant knowing that I had that everything would be okay, that this was all happening for a reason if I could just look at the bigger picture. I will also receive signs that are perhaps better viewed as tests, and they are only there to guide me to my higher purpose. When I receive those tests I know when my intuition is screaming – like with the phone calls – Don’t Answer It!! But my ego takes over and before I know it the green button is hit.

How do we know when its our Ego?

Ego plays on your fear and anxiety. Its driven by attachment and insecurities, and often tells you you aren’t good enough for something, or that you’re going to fail. Your ego used to be there to help you, protect you but we’ve built up so many impressions throughout our lives that the ego becomes muddled and starts to over-exert its power over us, often proving to be demeaning and downright rude. Ego is built up of different archetypes and will use all of them to deter you. The ego has seen every moment you entered your shadow side, it remembers that and tries to ensure you don’t go back there, however this often prevents you from even attempting to follow the lighter side because its so fearful that you might fail.

My ego fought hard against my intuition and my logical mind every step of the way. And at times I actually understood its foolishness. I truly believed that I would marry this person, so as much as my gut told me it was over, this fairytale lived on in my ego. It told me that I wasn’t going to find any one who loved me as much. It told me I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions like ending the relationship.

How do we know when it’s our Logical Mind?

A logical thought requires reasoning. The logical mind is objective and thinks critically about situations. It is not associated with feelings or any emotional pull. Logic helps you to draw a conclusion, find truth and make decisions by using evidence; examples, facts, and even assumptions. Logic is a left brain function, opposite to creativity, imagination, emotion and intuition.

My logical mind would have been telling me that when someone cheats on you twice, it’s highly likely they’ll do it again. It also told me to give 60 days notice knowing that I couldn’t afford rent on my own. It’s smart, but when there is no feelings or emotion involved it can be rather monotonous. Still, its important to notice the differences between logic, and ego and intuition. It is easy to mistake your logical mind for either of the latter.


Um yeah – so there’s a lot that goes on in this little head of mine. It’s not always pretty and I often feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions all at once. This still happens, and I think it always will. But when I really want to know which way to go I sit for a moment (or however long it takes) in silence and I feel. What is my heart saying? What does my gut feel? What was my intuitive response? I dont always get a definitive answer, and when I do I dont always follow it. But it is getting a heck of a lot easier for me to notice when I’m pushing against the grain. And when I’m not.

When I feel myself aligning with the universe there is no need to look back and question things. This is when you know that it’s time to finally give yourself permission to rise. Time to thank your ego and logic for their contribution and push them aside in favour of your intuition, your heart centre. ❤✌

Self ❤ Love: The Greatest🖕Middle Finger

When you cheated I was angry. I was hurt. I was heartbroken.

It’s incredible how one persons’ choice can turn your entire life upside down in one moment. In just one choice – one action – everything changes.

The initial reaction, the most comfortable reaction for our ego is anger. I was lied to, betrayed. I felt used. I was mad because I trusted them. I thought I knew them. I was even more mad at myself for letting someone get close enough to cause this pain, for giving them all of this power. I felt stupid and confused.

I questioned my value, and whether I was even worth being loved. I compared myself to her, to everyone. What had I done to make her look elsewhere? Where did I go wrong as a girlfriend? Why wasn’t I enough?

I was incredibly heartbroken, and lonely. With one choice, one action, I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my travel partner, my date, my rock. I was stripped, of everything, including the future I had expected.

I know deep down that this person wanted to love me. But I realized that they didn’t know how – they couldn’t. If they wanted to, they could have learned, changed, grew. But the universe knew that wasn’t meant to be. I realized they were never actually mine, and the fact that they couldn’t love me the way I expected them to was never in my control.

I could finally breathe.


I was grateful. I was hopeful.

And then, my mind silenced long enough to be grateful. I was grateful that this person chose me and loved me as deep as they could for almost five years. I was grateful that we had a lot of really awesome memories together. I was grateful that she introduced me to sober living. I was grateful that she encouraged and respected my spiritual growth. This was the most valuable gift anyone could have given me.

And I was grateful the relationship ended when it did, and the way it did.

I was hopeful because my eyes were open, and I had awakened. I was hopeful because this was the beginning of something beautiful and I could feel that. I felt it very strongly.


I was becoming…

On this day I knew I was moving in the direction of unapologetically loving myself. I took a big swig of that self love juice! I could take responsibility for my wrongs in the relationship, and I could be humble enough to recognize that it’s possible she stopped loving me without throwing a pity party or compromising my self worth.

I realized that sitting with all of these feelings is exactly what I needed to do. Allowing every feeling – even the desperately uncomfortable ones – to pass through my heart was crucial to my journey of self discovery, of soul searching and of self love. And it sucked. A LOT!

But….

Every day I get stronger.

My ex told me shortly after this that she felt like a pawn in my spiritual journey. That she felt like she was placed in my life to lead me somewhere, and then she was no longer necessary. And I believe there is truth to that. Relationships are in our lives for a reason, and when they have drawn their course they are removed. Trust the universe when a door closes, although it may hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before, it may actually be the best thing that’s ever happened for you. ✌❤