When you cheated I was angry. I was hurt. I was heartbroken.
It’s incredible how one persons’ choice can turn your entire life upside down in one moment. In just one choice – one action – everything changes.
The initial reaction, the most comfortable reaction for our ego is anger. I was lied to, betrayed. I felt used. I was mad because I trusted them. I thought I knew them. I was even more mad at myself for letting someone get close enough to cause this pain, for giving them all of this power. I felt stupid and confused.
I questioned my value, and whether I was even worth being loved. I compared myself to her, to everyone. What had I done to make her look elsewhere? Where did I go wrong as a girlfriend? Why wasn’t I enough?
I was incredibly heartbroken, and lonely. With one choice, one action, I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my travel partner, my date, my rock. I was stripped, of everything, including the future I had expected.
I know deep down that this person wanted to love me. But I realized that they didn’t know how – they couldn’t. If they wanted to, they could have learned, changed, grew. But the universe knew that wasn’t meant to be. I realized they were never actually mine, and the fact that they couldn’t love me the way I expected them to was never in my control.
I could finally breathe.
I was grateful. I was hopeful.
And then, my mind silenced long enough to be grateful. I was grateful that this person chose me and loved me as deep as they could for almost five years. I was grateful that we had a lot of really awesome memories together. I was grateful that she introduced me to sober living. I was grateful that she encouraged and respected my spiritual growth. This was the most valuable gift anyone could have given me.
And I was grateful the relationship ended when it did, and the way it did.
I was hopeful because my eyes were open, and I had awakened. I was hopeful because this was the beginning of something beautiful and I could feel that. I felt it very strongly.
I was becoming…
On this day I knew I was moving in the direction of unapologetically loving myself. I took a big swig of that self love juice! I could take responsibility for my wrongs in the relationship, and I could be humble enough to recognize that it’s possible she stopped loving me without throwing a pity party or compromising my self worth.
I realized that sitting with all of these feelings is exactly what I needed to do. Allowing every feeling – even the desperately uncomfortable ones – to pass through my heart was crucial to my journey of self discovery, of soul searching and of self love. And it sucked. A LOT!
Every day I get stronger.
My ex told me shortly after this that she felt like a pawn in my spiritual journey. That she felt like she was placed in my life to lead me somewhere, and then she was no longer necessary. And I believe there is truth to that. Relationships are in our lives for a reason, and when they have drawn their course they are removed. Trust the universe when a door closes, although it may hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before, it may actually be the best thing that’s ever happened for you. ✌❤